Let's Spit-Shine the Language!
by Martin Higgins

  Just when you thought it was safe to sling slang, I'm gonna' come on strong, asking what's wrong with this picture? Right from the git-go, it's a tough act to follow.I'm doing a number on you and you've gotta love it, but don't give up your day job unless you're a Boomer, Buster or Couch Potato, who's ready to go Postal and I mean that in the nicest way.

    I'm mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take the vernacular anymore. I've been there and done that with wannabe trash talkers and their ilk, so let's cut to the chase. It's time to clean up your act, get it together and walk the straight and narrow when wagging the mother tongue. Really, people!

    You know the drill, it's time for an in-your-face, take-no-prisoners, lean and mean house-cleaning of superfluous and redundant jargon. Take a peek at the bottom line. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out this linguistic no brainer. Street smart movers and shakers deal with it every day, so get with the program and take on the whole nine yards. It works for me! You gotta' love it!

    Born again patois purveyors hate when this happens. No biggie. Tell us how you really feel. That's why we get the big bucks. If lingo isn't your kettle of fish, take five, put your feet up and smoke `em if you got `em. We'll do all the heavy lifting so you can kick back, take a walk in the park or have a day at the beach. For real! You know what I'm sayin'? Sounds like a plan. Go get `em, Tiger!

    The name of the game is being in the right place at the right time, so you can talk yourself blue in the face without opening a can of worms. Nobody wants to be known as The Rodney Dangerfield of English, so get on the stick and polish up your palaver, hone your homonyms, learn the P's and Q's until you've dotted all the I's and crossed all the T's. Or whatever. You'll get your fifteen minutes of fame, although that might be hazardous to your health. Don't try this at home with using the buddy system, but go for the burn and you'll get the hang of it, no problemo. Check it out.

    We're going to the boards for you, taking no prisoners in a sudden death argot playoff that's down to the wire. It's actionable, off the top of my head, with no room for slop, cutting to the bone, real-time, here and now, take it to the bank verisimilitude. Sounds easy? Tell us how you really feel.

    We could spitball a new idea, send up a trial balloon, whiteboard a plan or Blue Sky until we're blue in the face, but to get on an even keel, follow the straight and narrow, we need to walk the line, get all our ducks in a row. Just one asshole to another, conformity ain't worth zilch, it's not worth the paper it's printed on and it's definitely not worth a Tinkers Dam. That is to say, if we stay on task, don't act out, put our money where our mouth is, hide it where the moon don't shine, see if this dog will hunt or swear a blood oath we can win the hearts and minds of the lumpen masses. So, what the hey?

    You see, having it both ways floats our boat, tickles us pink, and makes our day, when all things are equal and the full measure is taken, given what we know in this scenario, in light of our context and dialoguing, soul-searching, give and take relationship. To do any less would be a Major no-no and a real bugbear.

    Let's rise to the occasion of going the extra mile.

-mjh

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