Dr. Edrich,
My brother writes a comedy column for a local Sports website (Bill Rogan / KNUS) at: http://www.turfsports.net/page/page/5664036.htm His most recent posting ended with this:
…If the nation’s spinning out of control isn’t enough, new allegations of drug use surface in the NFL. A "water pill," Bumetanide, a loop diuretic (one that works in the 'loop of Henle' area of the kidney), decreases the amount of water retained in the body by increasing urination. This causes the kidneys to get rid of water and salt from the body into the urine. You may have seen offensive linemen doing the pee-pee dance before a snap prompting a ‘false start’ call. Bumetanide can also be used as a masking agent. This diuretic dilutes the urine, resulting in lower levels banned substances being excreted from the body. Other bodily excretions are also increased. This makes it more difficult to detect banned substances. The use of diuretics is easily detected in the huddle. Quarterbacks know immediately when the Center is using diuretics. The hand drying towel hanging from the center’s belt for the quarterback can sometimes hide the tell-tale signs of diuretic use. The NFL is considering having field officials randomly lift the towel during play to check for indicators on the center’s pants. More to follow as this develops…
As a response to his riff, I penned this 12-bar Blues for you (although it may not be entirely accurate):
Nephrologist Blues
by
Martin Higgins
Woke up this morning, had a beer and day-old Tex-Mex,
Woke up this morning, warm beer and plate of cold Tex-Mex,
I had a headache, heartburn and flatus,
And an aching renal cortex.
Heard my bloodhound bay, and it wasn’t acciden’ly,
Heard my bloodhound bay, and it couldn’t be acciden’ly,
He smelled my juxtaglomerular apparatus,
Within my ailing Loop of Henle
Went to the doctor and said, “I know you belong to Mensa.”
Stopped by my doctor, cause he’s a miracle dispenser,
He said it might be my Duct of Bellini,
Or a peach pit in my macula densa.
He shook his head, and palpated my urine collector,
I said he pressed my kidney, like a USDA inspector,
Then said, “you’ve got a hypercoagulable thombosis,
In your medulla’s vasa recta.”
Now I know arteriole occlusions can make a man feel strange,
Yeah, an occluded renal arteriole sure makes a man feel strange,
With no osmotically refreshed interstitium,
To maintain your countercurrent exchange.
So listen to my prognosis, let me clue you to the fix,
Learn a lesson from my prognosis, unless your Doc knows other tricks,
10 cc phenylpropanolamine, stat,
To stimulate your minor calyx.
copyright 2009
Martin Higgins
My brother writes a comedy column for a local Sports website (Bill Rogan / KNUS) at: http://www.turfsports.net/page/page/5664036.htm His most recent posting ended with this:
…If the nation’s spinning out of control isn’t enough, new allegations of drug use surface in the NFL. A "water pill," Bumetanide, a loop diuretic (one that works in the 'loop of Henle' area of the kidney), decreases the amount of water retained in the body by increasing urination. This causes the kidneys to get rid of water and salt from the body into the urine. You may have seen offensive linemen doing the pee-pee dance before a snap prompting a ‘false start’ call. Bumetanide can also be used as a masking agent. This diuretic dilutes the urine, resulting in lower levels banned substances being excreted from the body. Other bodily excretions are also increased. This makes it more difficult to detect banned substances. The use of diuretics is easily detected in the huddle. Quarterbacks know immediately when the Center is using diuretics. The hand drying towel hanging from the center’s belt for the quarterback can sometimes hide the tell-tale signs of diuretic use. The NFL is considering having field officials randomly lift the towel during play to check for indicators on the center’s pants. More to follow as this develops…
As a response to his riff, I penned this 12-bar Blues for you (although it may not be entirely accurate):
Nephrologist Blues
by
Martin Higgins
Woke up this morning, had a beer and day-old Tex-Mex,
Woke up this morning, warm beer and plate of cold Tex-Mex,
I had a headache, heartburn and flatus,
And an aching renal cortex.
Heard my bloodhound bay, and it wasn’t acciden’ly,
Heard my bloodhound bay, and it couldn’t be acciden’ly,
He smelled my juxtaglomerular apparatus,
Within my ailing Loop of Henle
Went to the doctor and said, “I know you belong to Mensa.”
Stopped by my doctor, cause he’s a miracle dispenser,
He said it might be my Duct of Bellini,
Or a peach pit in my macula densa.
He shook his head, and palpated my urine collector,
I said he pressed my kidney, like a USDA inspector,
Then said, “you’ve got a hypercoagulable thombosis,
In your medulla’s vasa recta.”
Now I know arteriole occlusions can make a man feel strange,
Yeah, an occluded renal arteriole sure makes a man feel strange,
With no osmotically refreshed interstitium,
To maintain your countercurrent exchange.
So listen to my prognosis, let me clue you to the fix,
Learn a lesson from my prognosis, unless your Doc knows other tricks,
10 cc phenylpropanolamine, stat,
To stimulate your minor calyx.
copyright 2009
Martin Higgins
