The Bickering Beans - A Lesson in Creative Collaboration
In 1998, while working at Microsoft in Redmond, Washington, I was hired by HonkWorm (a start-up animation company in Seattle) to write a religious-themed comedy. I pitched a "Jesus Returns to Find Chaos" pitch, which they said they LOVED! The following is my initial workup of the project to set the stage for the series and begin a "bible," a rule book for how the characters act and how the stories are told. Read the pitch, and I'll tell you what happened.
INITIAL PITCH
OH, JESUS! IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT ME?
Ma fille douce de jungle,
Most Biblical scholars agree that Jesus’ life between the ages of 13 and 30 remains a compelling mystery to this day. Several theories about this period in the life of the historical Jesus suggest that he traveled to India or Nepal, where his Judaic genius at 13…
And it came about that after three days, they found Him in the temple... And all who heard Him were amazed at His understanding and His answers. - Luke 2:46 – 47
…was supplemented by Buddhist instruction and transcendence by the age of 30. The most substantial evidence of this shift from YHWH retribution-based theology to Self-realized Zen outlook is the Sermon on the Mount:
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who blah, blah, blah...- Matt 5:4 - 10
Christ’s Buddhaic (“awakened”) nature, when mixed with the nomadic/agrarian Jewish culture, creates a psychotropic state – a cognitive dissonance – where purpose and purposelessness, wealth acquisition and intentional poverty, God/One and God/All clash. This social stressor is a living process that serves the same function as the Koan; to release us from the blinding logic and rationale of Maya (this illusory reality).
Koans - simple parables that cause a mental leap to an unexpected but truthful conclusion about the nature of nothingness and release
These stories and sayings contain patterns, like blueprints, for various inner exercises in attention, mental posture, and higher perception, summarized in extremely brief vignettes enabling the individual to hold entire universes of thought in mind all at once, without running through doctrinal discourses or disrupting ordinary consciousness of everyday affairs.
In the past, koan practicing meant checking someone's enlightenment. Now, we use koans to make our lives correct... You must use koans to take away your opinions. When you take away your opinions, your mind is clear like space, which means from moment to moment, you can reflect on any situation and respond correctly and meticulously.
Once “within” the koan, the audience accepts its templated structure, much the way we respond to the format of a knock-knock joke, 12-bar Blues, or fairy tale. In fact, the limitations of the rigorous structure provide an impetus for improvisation.
If we were to accept that Jesus, once again walking among us, would attempt to place the same “frame” on his 21st Century flock, we would have a starting place for WWJD. (Who Wants Jack Daniel's?)
The problem is we (American, post-modernist, data junkies, and unconscious consumers) are extremely jaded in our spiritual experiences. New Ager’s have a far better grasp on surrender and release than 1st Century shepherds, Swat Teams are far quicker than Roman Centurions, psychopathic behavior as a lifestyle choice is far more prevalent today, and hundreds of different versions of Christianity know that “this one doesn’t act anything like how we know him to be…”
Unless he’s here to “End of the World,” Jesus is going to have a tough go of it.
WHAT IS OUR FRAME?
If we choose to have him be a character of mythic dimension, we should not hear his internal monologue. To maintain the highest status, we must make every word he says concise, inspired, and meaningful on several levels (again, the parable model).
We could use a Narrator, but my “Jehovah whining about his goof-ball, feel-good son” work-up apparently failed to “stick to the wall.”
We could team him with a Holy Fool or Magic Animal to allow reflection and commentary.
Or we could have him be one of a set of twins in this life: Jesus and Dalton, where Dalton is a dot.com shit with no respect for his brother.
They live in a condo in Kirkland. Every morning they drive into Seattle with Dalton’s aerobics trainer girlfriend, Ciara. Jesus has no job, but is coerced into the ride by Dalton so they can use the carpool lane on the 520 bridge.
So Jesus, always yielding to the moment, spends each day walking around the city “taking in the big picture.” On the ride home we get Dalton and Ciara’s reaction to his adventure that day.
This gives us Holy Fool and Magic Animal archetypes, and a priori commentary without interfering with Jesus’ interaction with the city street and the city's street people.
Episode 1 – Set up Dalton and Ciara relationships in car, Jesus has a brief interaction with pagan, Pike Place Market fishmonger, and His re-cap/commentary during return to Kirkland in Dalton’s Bimmer that evening.
Episode 2 – Morning drive set-up conversation (Topic: Lifetime Fitness), Jesus tours a Health Club and gets a complimentary chiropractic adjustment; drive home conversation (topic: Alternative Medicine).
Episode 3 - Morning drive set-up (Topic: Male Enhancement Surgery), Jesus tours Sex Shops and does a couple of bizarre miracles, drive home conversation (topic: Chinese versus Smorgasbord as dinner choices).
Episode 4 – Morning drive set-up (Topic: The Glass Ceiling), Jesus gets mugged by a well-dressed woman with a briefcase, drive home conversation (topic: Handgun Control).
Episode 5 – Morning drive set-up (Topic: Jesus’ Career Path), Jesus mans a boiler room phone for an aluminum siding company, drive home conversation (topic: Internet Universities).
Episode 6 – Morning drive set-up (Topic: Atheists), Jesus stops by the Scientology storefront for a “5-minute evaluation” and gets offered a job handing out leaflets, drive home conversation (topic: German Nationalism and the Green Party).
Un messiah moi-même,
Higgs
END OF PITCH
OH, JESUS! IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT ME?
Ma fille douce de jungle,
Most Biblical scholars agree that Jesus’ life between the ages of 13 and 30 remains a compelling mystery to this day. Several theories about this period in the life of the historical Jesus suggest that he traveled to India or Nepal, where his Judaic genius at 13…
And it came about that after three days, they found Him in the temple... And all who heard Him were amazed at His understanding and His answers. - Luke 2:46 – 47
…was supplemented by Buddhist instruction and transcendence by the age of 30. The most substantial evidence of this shift from YHWH retribution-based theology to Self-realized Zen outlook is the Sermon on the Mount:
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who blah, blah, blah...- Matt 5:4 - 10
Christ’s Buddhaic (“awakened”) nature, when mixed with the nomadic/agrarian Jewish culture, creates a psychotropic state – a cognitive dissonance – where purpose and purposelessness, wealth acquisition and intentional poverty, God/One and God/All clash. This social stressor is a living process that serves the same function as the Koan; to release us from the blinding logic and rationale of Maya (this illusory reality).
Koans - simple parables that cause a mental leap to an unexpected but truthful conclusion about the nature of nothingness and release
These stories and sayings contain patterns, like blueprints, for various inner exercises in attention, mental posture, and higher perception, summarized in extremely brief vignettes enabling the individual to hold entire universes of thought in mind all at once, without running through doctrinal discourses or disrupting ordinary consciousness of everyday affairs.
In the past, koan practicing meant checking someone's enlightenment. Now, we use koans to make our lives correct... You must use koans to take away your opinions. When you take away your opinions, your mind is clear like space, which means from moment to moment, you can reflect on any situation and respond correctly and meticulously.
Once “within” the koan, the audience accepts its templated structure, much the way we respond to the format of a knock-knock joke, 12-bar Blues, or fairy tale. In fact, the limitations of the rigorous structure provide an impetus for improvisation.
If we were to accept that Jesus, once again walking among us, would attempt to place the same “frame” on his 21st Century flock, we would have a starting place for WWJD. (Who Wants Jack Daniel's?)
The problem is we (American, post-modernist, data junkies, and unconscious consumers) are extremely jaded in our spiritual experiences. New Ager’s have a far better grasp on surrender and release than 1st Century shepherds, Swat Teams are far quicker than Roman Centurions, psychopathic behavior as a lifestyle choice is far more prevalent today, and hundreds of different versions of Christianity know that “this one doesn’t act anything like how we know him to be…”
Unless he’s here to “End of the World,” Jesus is going to have a tough go of it.
WHAT IS OUR FRAME?
If we choose to have him be a character of mythic dimension, we should not hear his internal monologue. To maintain the highest status, we must make every word he says concise, inspired, and meaningful on several levels (again, the parable model).
We could use a Narrator, but my “Jehovah whining about his goof-ball, feel-good son” work-up apparently failed to “stick to the wall.”
We could team him with a Holy Fool or Magic Animal to allow reflection and commentary.
Or we could have him be one of a set of twins in this life: Jesus and Dalton, where Dalton is a dot.com shit with no respect for his brother.
They live in a condo in Kirkland. Every morning they drive into Seattle with Dalton’s aerobics trainer girlfriend, Ciara. Jesus has no job, but is coerced into the ride by Dalton so they can use the carpool lane on the 520 bridge.
So Jesus, always yielding to the moment, spends each day walking around the city “taking in the big picture.” On the ride home we get Dalton and Ciara’s reaction to his adventure that day.
This gives us Holy Fool and Magic Animal archetypes, and a priori commentary without interfering with Jesus’ interaction with the city street and the city's street people.
Episode 1 – Set up Dalton and Ciara relationships in car, Jesus has a brief interaction with pagan, Pike Place Market fishmonger, and His re-cap/commentary during return to Kirkland in Dalton’s Bimmer that evening.
Episode 2 – Morning drive set-up conversation (Topic: Lifetime Fitness), Jesus tours a Health Club and gets a complimentary chiropractic adjustment; drive home conversation (topic: Alternative Medicine).
Episode 3 - Morning drive set-up (Topic: Male Enhancement Surgery), Jesus tours Sex Shops and does a couple of bizarre miracles, drive home conversation (topic: Chinese versus Smorgasbord as dinner choices).
Episode 4 – Morning drive set-up (Topic: The Glass Ceiling), Jesus gets mugged by a well-dressed woman with a briefcase, drive home conversation (topic: Handgun Control).
Episode 5 – Morning drive set-up (Topic: Jesus’ Career Path), Jesus mans a boiler room phone for an aluminum siding company, drive home conversation (topic: Internet Universities).
Episode 6 – Morning drive set-up (Topic: Atheists), Jesus stops by the Scientology storefront for a “5-minute evaluation” and gets offered a job handing out leaflets, drive home conversation (topic: German Nationalism and the Green Party).
Un messiah moi-même,
Higgs
END OF PITCH
Okay, so there it is... a framework with slots for comedy schtick. They LOVED it, but it was tossed out before the first episode. Over a $300 lunch, the two "Dot Snots" who owned the company wanted to add an idea that they came up with during a stumbling drunk adventure the night before. Jesus would appear in Episode #7 (!), and #1 through #6 would feature God the Father, a vindictive, foul-mouthed lout who has turned two scumbag CEOs into coffee beans and makes their life hell. They laughed their asses off, riffing on all kinds of nonsensical details.
"Can you get us a script by 5?" one of the schmucks asked.
"Hell," I said, thinking of the $2,400 I got for each 3-4 minute script, "Hell, I'll have it by 4:30!"
At 4:30, I showed up at the recording studio with four pages, and they laid down my lines verbatim. The story is pure crap - I had virtually no control over the context. The filthy language from God, St. Peter, and the beans was my own invective, directed toward the Dot Com douchebags.
Ka-Ching.
"Can you get us a script by 5?" one of the schmucks asked.
"Hell," I said, thinking of the $2,400 I got for each 3-4 minute script, "Hell, I'll have it by 4:30!"
At 4:30, I showed up at the recording studio with four pages, and they laid down my lines verbatim. The story is pure crap - I had virtually no control over the context. The filthy language from God, St. Peter, and the beans was my own invective, directed toward the Dot Com douchebags.
Ka-Ching.