2022’s Most Dangerous Children's Toys
"Felch Me" Elmo Doll
According to the instructions, "Remember to get permission from your Mom or Dad before exchanging body fluids with any Muppet." Great fun for stubborn kids who resist ordinary potty training.
Mr. Wall Outlet Head
What can we say? Copper nose, metal mustache and steel wool hair that produce what the box says, "A brilliant shower of happy sparks." A must see!
Leggo's "Tiny Parts" Luncheonette
Miniature sandwiches, small glasses of Coke and hairpin-sized utensils make this a great "gag" present for bratty neighborhood kids. Barbie's "Just Like Me" Bodacious Bulimia Brunch. Heimlich chart extra.
All you can eat, as many times as you like, with this sure-fire favorite among low self-esteem girls and their moms. Includes "Two Finger Dessert and Laxative Pan Dowdy."
Spiderman's Charcoal Lighter Fluid Webspinner
"Shoots a flaming web over twenty feet!" claims the enclosed booklet, but every time we attempted a test, it exploded in our hand. Waaaay cool!
British Nanny Doll with Noisy Lil Louise
This crybaby needs to be shaken - shaken - shaken for sixty seconds before lapsing into a coma. Comes with a book deal and one-hour interview with Geraldo.
Our Son's Road Flare Factory
In a capricious trick of translation, this Taiwanese fire toy is named "Arsons" Road Flare Factory. Current Insurance Investigation Guidelines are part of this popular present.
PocketGlock Semi-automatic Spy Camera
A remarkable simulation of a Glock 22 pistol that can take crystal-clear snapshots of panicked SWAT officers.
My First Chainsaw
Husqvarna's 2.4 cu. in., 2.5 hp humdinger with 13,000 maximum no-load RPMs and a 16" OSHA approved "kiddie" bar. Where's that cat?
Notre Dame “Broken Bottle” Stained Glass Kit
Imagine the look on Mom's face when you show her "St. Sebastian's Agony" made of Heineken, Grolsch, St. Pauli Girl and Mickey's Widemouth bottles! Oven-safe "Real-Lead" Beading creates only a smidgen of toxic gas.
Big Mouth Marble Challenge
"How many marbles can you fit in your mouth?" is the question that Big Mouth Marble Challenge asks. If you want to win, you won't be able to answer!
Ben Franklin Copper Kite Kit
Forget "Pennies saved and pennies earned", find out what made Old Ben such an electrifying American hero. Requires oven mitts and Neosporin.
Estes Hwasong-12 Model Rocket
Any kid will tell you that a launch pad explosion is LOTS MORE FUN than a successful flight. "Model Scud" delivers fun in spades!
Little Homemaker Deep Fat Fryer
An exact replica of Mom's own Deep Fat Fryer, except designed with three legs instead of four, to teach valuable balancing skills.
Rapper’s Lucky Rabbit Foot
Guaranteed to ward off all bullets except 9mm.
Hi-Risk - The Ebola Epidemic Game
Little plastic monkeys and a big bucket of "Bola Goo" spell trouble for kids of all ages who want to play with hemorrhagic fever.
Little Vet Animal Spay/Neuter Clinic
Fluffy and Scamp will never be the same after your child learns the basics of reproduction with "hands-on" clinic experience.
Screamin' Eagles Dropzone Roof Parachute
A traditional favorite among Ritalin kids. A bedsheet, some twine, and two pre-cast plaster leg casts. Imparts strong lessons about air resistance and tolerance of the severely-handicapped.
Spelunker Storm Drain Explorer Outfit
"Every sewer pipe is a heart-stopping adventure" with this Jules Verne-inspired equipment. Flashlight, canteen, and pack of beef jerky included.
Tree Top Inner-Tube Bungee Maker
Flat tire on bike? Change sports! Bungee jumpers live to tell of incredible sensations and adrenaline highs beyond comprehension! Or, they don't.
Buddy the Builder Cold Cut Bandsaw
Imagine slicing tons of Braunsweiger and Mortadella for your family with a fully functioning Hobart Bandsaw. Don't count your fingers until the blade stops moving!
The Doc Holliday Potato Pistol
Turn “your Huckleberry” into “your CHUCKLEBERRY” with this nifty spud gun. What do you call a guy with eyes in the back of his head? TATER! Load up, slur a warning and POW! you're a legend!
RuPaul’s Dress-Up Dating Game
Hey guys, fool `em all and be the Homecoming Queen all year round. Who says you can't go into the Girl's Locker Room? ACLU hotline number and Pre-Teen Gender Reassignment orientation material enclosed.
The Alka-Seltzer Soda Fountain
Who can burp the whole alphabet? Step up to the Alka Seltzer Soda Fountain and find out. Tracheal tube and resuscitator "cheats" included.
The Frisco Fenty Syringe Set
No one can babble like a hophead, right? Well, maybe a few fierce, Dancing Pigeon Heroin junkies. Here's a chance to spin the big wheel and give it a try!" Comes with My First Narcan Inhaler.
Lil' Scientologist E-gram Recorder
Are your friends really Thetans? Can you undo the twisted encoding that Earthlings forced on you as a child? Get CLEAR and have a great time doing it with the sub-human members of your Terran family. Enter online drawing for a meet-up with Tom Cruise!
The Louis Farrakhan Jew Compass
Who's a Jew? This ingenious device points only toward "tribesmen" classmates. This makes for easy identification, intimidation, and demand for reparations. Batteries not included.
Big Huggy the Halogen Nightlight Bear
1500 degrees Fahrenheit should be enough to warm any baby. Remember to baste every twenty minutes and place a sprig of parsley behind the little one's ear.
Official NASA Abandoned Refrigerator SpaceLab
"Houston, this is Maytag. Permission to enter hibernation phase of mission!" Your kid will be gasping for breath when they enter this realistic mock up of an authentic Soyuz SpaceLab. Oxygen generator fire effct, optional.
Speed Racer’s "Dodge `Em!" Highway Scavenger Hunt
Hubcaps, tire treads, lone shoes... who has the most? Step out onto Rte 666 and take your chances as you try to avoid potholes, dodge gypsy cabs, and hop over road-kill in this exciting real-time multi-player sensation.
Christmas will be here soon. Scoop up these soon-to-be classics.
MJH
11062022
According to the instructions, "Remember to get permission from your Mom or Dad before exchanging body fluids with any Muppet." Great fun for stubborn kids who resist ordinary potty training.
Mr. Wall Outlet Head
What can we say? Copper nose, metal mustache and steel wool hair that produce what the box says, "A brilliant shower of happy sparks." A must see!
Leggo's "Tiny Parts" Luncheonette
Miniature sandwiches, small glasses of Coke and hairpin-sized utensils make this a great "gag" present for bratty neighborhood kids. Barbie's "Just Like Me" Bodacious Bulimia Brunch. Heimlich chart extra.
All you can eat, as many times as you like, with this sure-fire favorite among low self-esteem girls and their moms. Includes "Two Finger Dessert and Laxative Pan Dowdy."
Spiderman's Charcoal Lighter Fluid Webspinner
"Shoots a flaming web over twenty feet!" claims the enclosed booklet, but every time we attempted a test, it exploded in our hand. Waaaay cool!
British Nanny Doll with Noisy Lil Louise
This crybaby needs to be shaken - shaken - shaken for sixty seconds before lapsing into a coma. Comes with a book deal and one-hour interview with Geraldo.
Our Son's Road Flare Factory
In a capricious trick of translation, this Taiwanese fire toy is named "Arsons" Road Flare Factory. Current Insurance Investigation Guidelines are part of this popular present.
PocketGlock Semi-automatic Spy Camera
A remarkable simulation of a Glock 22 pistol that can take crystal-clear snapshots of panicked SWAT officers.
My First Chainsaw
Husqvarna's 2.4 cu. in., 2.5 hp humdinger with 13,000 maximum no-load RPMs and a 16" OSHA approved "kiddie" bar. Where's that cat?
Notre Dame “Broken Bottle” Stained Glass Kit
Imagine the look on Mom's face when you show her "St. Sebastian's Agony" made of Heineken, Grolsch, St. Pauli Girl and Mickey's Widemouth bottles! Oven-safe "Real-Lead" Beading creates only a smidgen of toxic gas.
Big Mouth Marble Challenge
"How many marbles can you fit in your mouth?" is the question that Big Mouth Marble Challenge asks. If you want to win, you won't be able to answer!
Ben Franklin Copper Kite Kit
Forget "Pennies saved and pennies earned", find out what made Old Ben such an electrifying American hero. Requires oven mitts and Neosporin.
Estes Hwasong-12 Model Rocket
Any kid will tell you that a launch pad explosion is LOTS MORE FUN than a successful flight. "Model Scud" delivers fun in spades!
Little Homemaker Deep Fat Fryer
An exact replica of Mom's own Deep Fat Fryer, except designed with three legs instead of four, to teach valuable balancing skills.
Rapper’s Lucky Rabbit Foot
Guaranteed to ward off all bullets except 9mm.
Hi-Risk - The Ebola Epidemic Game
Little plastic monkeys and a big bucket of "Bola Goo" spell trouble for kids of all ages who want to play with hemorrhagic fever.
Little Vet Animal Spay/Neuter Clinic
Fluffy and Scamp will never be the same after your child learns the basics of reproduction with "hands-on" clinic experience.
Screamin' Eagles Dropzone Roof Parachute
A traditional favorite among Ritalin kids. A bedsheet, some twine, and two pre-cast plaster leg casts. Imparts strong lessons about air resistance and tolerance of the severely-handicapped.
Spelunker Storm Drain Explorer Outfit
"Every sewer pipe is a heart-stopping adventure" with this Jules Verne-inspired equipment. Flashlight, canteen, and pack of beef jerky included.
Tree Top Inner-Tube Bungee Maker
Flat tire on bike? Change sports! Bungee jumpers live to tell of incredible sensations and adrenaline highs beyond comprehension! Or, they don't.
Buddy the Builder Cold Cut Bandsaw
Imagine slicing tons of Braunsweiger and Mortadella for your family with a fully functioning Hobart Bandsaw. Don't count your fingers until the blade stops moving!
The Doc Holliday Potato Pistol
Turn “your Huckleberry” into “your CHUCKLEBERRY” with this nifty spud gun. What do you call a guy with eyes in the back of his head? TATER! Load up, slur a warning and POW! you're a legend!
RuPaul’s Dress-Up Dating Game
Hey guys, fool `em all and be the Homecoming Queen all year round. Who says you can't go into the Girl's Locker Room? ACLU hotline number and Pre-Teen Gender Reassignment orientation material enclosed.
The Alka-Seltzer Soda Fountain
Who can burp the whole alphabet? Step up to the Alka Seltzer Soda Fountain and find out. Tracheal tube and resuscitator "cheats" included.
The Frisco Fenty Syringe Set
No one can babble like a hophead, right? Well, maybe a few fierce, Dancing Pigeon Heroin junkies. Here's a chance to spin the big wheel and give it a try!" Comes with My First Narcan Inhaler.
Lil' Scientologist E-gram Recorder
Are your friends really Thetans? Can you undo the twisted encoding that Earthlings forced on you as a child? Get CLEAR and have a great time doing it with the sub-human members of your Terran family. Enter online drawing for a meet-up with Tom Cruise!
The Louis Farrakhan Jew Compass
Who's a Jew? This ingenious device points only toward "tribesmen" classmates. This makes for easy identification, intimidation, and demand for reparations. Batteries not included.
Big Huggy the Halogen Nightlight Bear
1500 degrees Fahrenheit should be enough to warm any baby. Remember to baste every twenty minutes and place a sprig of parsley behind the little one's ear.
Official NASA Abandoned Refrigerator SpaceLab
"Houston, this is Maytag. Permission to enter hibernation phase of mission!" Your kid will be gasping for breath when they enter this realistic mock up of an authentic Soyuz SpaceLab. Oxygen generator fire effct, optional.
Speed Racer’s "Dodge `Em!" Highway Scavenger Hunt
Hubcaps, tire treads, lone shoes... who has the most? Step out onto Rte 666 and take your chances as you try to avoid potholes, dodge gypsy cabs, and hop over road-kill in this exciting real-time multi-player sensation.
Christmas will be here soon. Scoop up these soon-to-be classics.
MJH
11062022