The P.E.T.A. Principals
by Martin Higgins

A mysterious voice uttered the Crustacean Liberation Front slogan when the owner of the Pacific Seafood Cafe answered his telephone. "We're protesting your sale of live lobsters. Stop serving live lobsters!"

The gauntlet was thrown; a line in the sand drawn, like butter.

Sergeant Bob Hulsey of the San Francisco Police Department's Special Investigation unit drew a breath and stated, "I have not heard of the Crustacean Liberation Front, but it doesn't surprise me. If there is something out there that someone wants to protect or protest, the San Francisco Bay Area is definitely the place to do it."

Although blessed with a moderate clime, San Francisco is prone to extremes in behavior, evidenced by other activist organizations based in and around San Francisco. The following is by no means a complete list of the outlaw Animal Rights groups mustering at our doorstep.

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B.A.M.B.I.
Bay Area Meat Ball Insurrection
a tactical wing of S.M.E.A.R.
Swedish Meatball Elimination by Armed Resistance

This hotly-disputed ideological group is based on a "blood-chit" dogma regarding the proper use of a fondue set for non-cheese dipping. Earlier this year, the question of whether or not using vegetables that looked like meat (eggplant, waterchestnuts and kolrabi) caused the formation of yet another radical splinter group: the Marinara Underground, whose sworn goal is the exclusion of all meat and fish from Italian pasta sauces. 

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M.V.S.E.V.L.
Mill Valley Singles for Ethical Veal Lifestyles
and members of
SUMO-BORE

These Marin divorcees work with veal calves "one on one" in what they call a "SUMO-BORE" (SUrrogate MOther in a BOvine RElationship). The most common scenario is housing the animal in a guest room or den that has been fitted with a comfy day-bed, a supply of Haagen Daz and cable. Rather than restraining the calf, when it tires of watching QVC or The 700 Club, the "SUMO" quiets and soothes the "BORE" by shushing, talking about taking some seminars or reading erotic passages from the latest Jackie Collins doorstop. Formerly known as The Mutton Mothers. 

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B.A.R.N.E.Y.
Bay Area Resource for Not Eating Yak

These anti-milk-product "Sherpa Wannabee's" believe that the only morally acceptable products from cows, buffalo or oxen are those which cannot be churned, whipped or curdled. Their militant "Free the Ghee and Brie Cheese!" banner unfurled at the finish line of the San Francisco Bay to Breakers footrace last year causing a stampede by hungry joggers who mistook it for a dairy snack give-away booth. All these men have only one testicle and it is kept by the bearded guy with sunglasses down front.

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P.P.P.
Petaluma Poultry Platoon
formerly
S.S.S.S.
Sonoma Society for Sane Snacks

This pugnacious confederacy asserts that the anger and violence used when slaughtering chickens is passed on to the consumer. Their response to Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "We do chicken right!" is "You done them chickens wrong!" They advocate a less brutal end for their favorite fowl, for instance, strapping the bird with a two thousand dollar a month mortgage and electing a Republican President. 

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N.I.N.
Nuts is Nuts

Claiming that nuts are pre-born plants, this Daly City based faction blames Mister Peanut, The California Almond Growers and Skippy for the wholesale slaying of millions of unborn legumes. Recently N.I.N. formed a blood pact with W.I.M.C.I.M. (Wheat is Murder - Corn is Mayhem) to expose Orville Redenbacker and Snap, Crackle and Pop, as the foremost beneficiaries of centuries of indigenous grain and cereal exploitation. 

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T.T.T.
Tofu! Tofu! Tofu!

Adopting the death before dishonor attitude of a feudal warrior, the members of T.T.T. use their cars as battering rams to destroy hot dog stands in the dead of night. Silk ribbons letteredwith mottoes like "Man's Best Friend?", "We're on a Roll!" and "One with the Works!" are frequently found festooning the little trays of sauerkraut and onions. All are formerly specialty dancers that toured with the road show of "Up with People!"  

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F.A.F.A.
Fish Are Feeling Animals

Citing the apparent lack of sympathy in America for the lowered expectations experienced by disadvantaged aquatic vertebrates, F.A.F.A. goes beyond demanding the cessation of all fish-as-food politics and the immediate recognition of our water-bound neighbors as equals. They are committed to unilateral issuance of High School Equivalency Diplomas regardless of past education or species, outlawing negative stereotypes, i.e., Charley Tuna, Sebastian the Crab, Flipper, and establishing the celebration of King Neptune's Birthday as a national holiday. Meets in Sausalito every Friday. 

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F.U.W.P.
Fed Up With People

"Everything humans do comes from a false sense of superiority and entitlement. We have no more right to a sip of water than a lawn does; no more right to live than a toadstool, yet we have ordered our environment so that it suits us rather than finding our place within it. We seem to think we are God. Knock it off!" 

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1 - Lurlene Krautpacker
2 - Emerson Allsapp
3 - Banff Schmergerhorn
4 - Dick Pally
5 - "Goldie" St.Patrick
6 - Blaine Kreplach
7 - Miranda Wright
8 - Olie O'Lahey
9 - Iona Dousbag
10 - Willy Borgarigmas
11 - "Snuffy" LeGrange
12 - Doris Prendergast 

13 - Colin Packer
14 - Janey Cassowary
15 - Broughm Flermh
16 - Colonel Branchwell
17 - Sara Sitzonette
18 - Rusty Stabwound
19 - Elmer Jerkmore
20 - Sharon Karen Gallo
21 - Robin Peter Toupee
22 - Graham Crumb
23 - Lance De La Culo
24 - Natty Gerbrish 

25 - Wink Katflinger
26 - Demi Ovalode
27 - Butchie Chucnavelle
28 - Ann L. Pesci
29 - Dody Ramakrishna
30 - Cubby Clupperman
31 - Denise D'Nephew
32 - Macaulay Culkin
33 - "Hap" Snatchworthy
34 - Jon Doe
35 - T. Ellingsworth Dung
36 - Nona Yabizniz 

copyright 2012
Martin Higginsall rights reserved