6 THINGS I WILL NOT TOLERATE
by Martin Higgins  

     1 - People who don’t have kids who say, "I love kids so much, I think of all the children in the World as "My Kids."

      Right. Let us know how wiping the crappy asses of millions of pukey, nit-ridden kids rings your bell, you irresponsible shits. 

      2 - Talk Radio Show Hosts who swear by Foreign Language Audio tapes, but can’t speak two words of the language to prove that they ever even listened to the worthless, impulse-buy cassettes. 

      Note to Rosetta Stone: Que te jodas! Eres un Madre!

      3 - TeleMarketing phone-room monkeys that keep feeding you their spiel while you politely say "No" over and over until you have to slam the receiver down on them.

      Listen up, Mr. James, Mrs. Brown and Miss Small, I don’t buy Health Care, Home Insulation, Gym Memberships, Car Insurance, Burial Plots, Ocean Cruises or Vacuum Cleaner Bags over the phone. And, by the way, if the local Police or Fire Department personnel want me to buy tickets so they can take a squad of severely retarded adults to the circus, great. I’ll meet them there with a group of equally retarded phone-sales morons and we’ll all have a fine time. 

      4 - Phonics Games for Kids that feature some brat reciting her favorite book as though she was reading every word.

      Let’s have the book randomly selected by a strict teacher who values education more than residuals from a television commercial. Then we’ll see some creative pronunciation and fumbling. Also, all guarantees that "your child will improve one Full Letter Grade in English after just a few months" of using the product are virtually meaningless. Who’s gonna’ complain that they didn’t work hard enough with their kid or that he or she is "still as thick as a brick." Remember, any family whose main literary treasures are "Larry the Cable Guy's Barbecue Secrets" and "50 Shades of Gray!" are doomed to raise kids that’ll only feel comfortable in Fast Food uniforms with no pockets.

      5 - Foreign "Experts" who want to show us how our government, bodies, or minds really work. Advice that has eluded the dominant culture of the world while we missed the great Life Secrets of Greece, Pakistan, Chile and Korea.

      Somebody pull Arianna Huffington aside and let her know that most Americans find her cockamamie accent and dopey New Age Liberalism to be the stuff of Sit-Com writer’s fantasies. Lose the creepy Gabor impersonation, forget about Deepak Chopra as Secretary of Karma, and for chrissakes, get a haircut. Maybe that kind of froop-de-doo was killer back in the Greek goat-scatter you grew up in, but on this side of the Twentieth Century, you look like a Mary Kay representative on the make.  

      6 - "This is an import message for investors who want to make a lot of money in the Heating Oil Market! Attention all jerks who have a few inheritance bucks salted away.

Market forecasts and our own indicators show a substantial increase in the price of Home Heating Oil this year. Yeah, Heating Oil costs more in the winter, Pally, but everybody knows that, don’t they?

Unseasonably cold winters and a lower-than-anticipated supply has set up a situation where an investment of just $10,000. Could return $20, $30, or $40,000. in the next six months. You might also be crowned Queen of Iberia at the Gay Shriner’s Clambake. Life is full of exciting surprises, isn’t it?

This is not an offer to buy stock and we are not a brokerage house, but we deal in hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of futures every day. Think we’re kidding, dickhead? Try me! Just come at me, motherfucker! I’ll kick your ass into a muddy stump-hole, you faggy little ass-wipe!

Of course, you may lose money and we are not claiming that you will make money. Are you still there? Wow, even that didn’t scare you off? Say, you are a player, aren’t you!

​Call now for a special audiotape that outlines your opportunity in the Home Heating Oil Market! One thirty second ad on the local Conservative radio station usually isn’t enough to get you to sign over all your dough, so we’ll send you a half hour tape by a guy who could talk you into being a Liver Donor this very afternoon.

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