SUGGESTIONS FOR A KINDER, GENTLER I.R.S. 
by Martin Higgins

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  In response to the Internal Revenue Service's hiring of over 80,000 new collection agents and the purchase of thousands of high-tech shotguns, I propose a counterbalance of niceties to encourage universal compliance. Many aspects of everyday life can be rewarded by relaxing some of the agency's more intrusive stipulations and adding new carrots to the I.R.S.'s ever-present stick.   
  • Write-off for Breast Augmentation or Male Enhancement surgery.
  • Ignore "wet change" taken off bar when drinking domestic beer.
  • Tax Amnesty for victims of heart attack during "Peleton" workout.
  • Any woman exhibiting three nipples - Free IRS calendar!
  • Auditors wear Santa hats and say: "With-Ho-Ho-holding Taxes?"
  • Offer nude audits.
  • Issue Form #1069 to prompt "quickie" filing by Sex Workers.
  • Give an "aggravation" deduction for people with Herpes.
  • Allow a deduction to people who accidentally blind a Meter Maid.
  • Allow Capital Gains write-offs for Capital Punishment Credits.
  • Alien abduction victims' earnings made during sex probes, tax-free.
  • Round sums off to the next lowest hundred-dollar amount.
  • Allow people to deduct losing lottery tickets.
  • $100. one time Methane incentive for all Oktoberfest participants.
  • Send an army of SWAT auditors straight up Trump's ass.
  • Give everyone gigantic refund checks ala' Publisher's Clearinghouse.
  • Surcharge of $10,000. for wearing bloody Bruno Maglia shoes.
  • Send agents back to confiscate Willie Nelson's guitar.
  • Reverse the "R" in I.R.S. so it looks like Toy's "R" Us kidscrawl.
  • Authorize a Flat Tax levied only against under-endowed women.
  • Adopt a mascot, like "Winnie the Pooh" with hand in the Hunny Jar.
  • Have all official announcements be made by a Barbershop Quartet.
  • Rename "Criminal Tax Evasion", a "Tax Whoopsie"
  • Hire a skinny Spokesmodel to smile, point at things, and lead applause.
  • Add an extra credit essay question at the end of Form 1040.
  • Send late filers big foam rubber fingers with a note, "Get your finger out of your ass!"
  • Drop tax on cigarettes, but make possession of a lighter or matches a Class "A" felony.
  • Discourage tax prep franchise by referring to it as "H&R Blockheads"
  • Enact a Sugar Tax on all Kenny G albums.
  • Formally apologize to the Capone family.
  • Run ads showing convicts sawing bars with the tagline, "File Early!"
  • Re-decorate IRS Hdqrs. like "Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Time Theater".
  • In addition to English and Spanish recorded announcements, add Pig Latin and a wacky Jerry Lewis-style Chinese dialect. 
  • Sacrifice one of the auditors every Leap year.
  • Refer to Dollars as "Bux".
  • Have an Official "Dress Down Day" and head to the beach after lunch.
  • Change the phrase "Earned Income Credit" to "My Little Bonus Bonanza".
  • Rename all the IRS phone bank personnel with peppy nicknames like, Champ, Lucky, Princess, The Kid. or Mr. Personality.
  • Change the toll-free number to 1-800-EASY PAY
  • Have Enforcement Personnel take retarded children on a fishing trip.
  • Reduce the Marijuana Tax from $100 an ounce to $100 an ounce.
  • Use hand puppets when confiscating children's property.
  • Let Saturn owners slide on the New Car Tax.
  • Waive all taxes if a person agrees to die before April 15th.
  • Start an IRS Credit Union based on the teachings of the Heaven's Gate cult.
  • Move the Headquarters to Guyana.
  • Rename April 15th, "The Other April Fools Day"
  • Classify Stormy Daniels as an independent contractor.
  • Offer a rebate for people who have saved all their Baby Teeth.
  • Put the PLAY back in ForePLAY.
  • Supply shorty golf pencils and scratch paper for "downhome cypherin'."
  • Initiate a tax break for people whose homes have "House-a-Tosis".
  • Start Tax Amnesty for Blacks called "The Right-on Write-off".
  • Hire Collection Agents who can twist animal balloons.
  • Develop Scratch and Sniff tax forms that smell like a new car.
  • On I.R.S. logo, dot the "I" with a heart.
  • Use pastel-colored handcuffs.
  • After an auditor okays a deduction... armpit fart.
  • Install drive-up windows with stickers for good kids.
  • IRS acronym changed to I'd Rather Smile!
  • Verifiable dependents of bowlers, free shoe rental! 
  • All auditors encouraged to wear Rainbow Clown wigs.
  • During audit, after each declined deduction, use a slide whistle sound effect to ease the tension.
  • Start a SUPER SIZE deal for travel expense deductions.
  • Gag handcuffs that leave big, black, greasy rings around your wrists.
  • Hire Ellen DeGeneres to add a piquant "Lesbian Chic" to Collection Procedures.
  • Re-enact "Revenooers Raid on the Moonshine Still" for Holiday Pageants.
  • Re-name Excise Tax the Exercise Tax and let people deduct calories.
  • Apply "Hazardous Substance Tax" to all frozen DeGiorno pizzas.
  • Have operators answer the phone with a Minnie Pearl voice, "Internal Revenue Service. Hoooowdeee!"