Martin Higgins Conceptual Anarchist
CONNECT
  • WRITING
    • COMEDY >
      • SISTER CONCEPTOR
      • HAZARDOUS WASTE OF TIME
      • THE IRISH INVENTED RAP
      • POOR DAD
      • BITTER MOON REVIEW
      • PRIMARY CHOLERS
      • INDIA HAS THE BOMB!
      • CREATIVE COLLABORATION
      • I.R.S. CHANGES
      • PETA PRINCIPALS
      • DRUNK DRIVING SCHOOL
      • 2015'S MOST DANGEROUS TOYS
      • STROLLING THE BONEPILE
      • INTOLERABLE!
      • SPIT-SHINE LANGUAGE
      • 100 PORN SWITCHEROO TITLES
      • DANGEROUS TOYS - 2022
    • HORROR >
      • THE EXCHANGE
      • DOES
      • THE DESERT PROJECT >
        • OLEANDER / SIGILS
        • FOOD WATER MAPS
        • TALC
        • ISSUE OF BLOOD PT 1
        • ALTARS AND SHRINES
        • GHOSTS
        • DESERT COMPILATION
    • VIETNAM >
      • ME MAU THAN
      • BRASSO
      • PLYWOOD
      • REMANDED TO THE NAM
      • CHIEU HOI
      • PLYWOOD SLIDESHOW
      • BROTHERS AND BABES IN ARMS
    • NON-FICTION >
      • TURNING ON THE RADIO
      • SHERLOCK AMBASSADOG
    • ARTICLES >
      • SCHADENFREUDE UND GLUCKSCHMERZ
      • GOOD GRIEF
      • COMEDY? THAT'S MY BAG!
      • VEAL IN VEGAS
      • VIDEO PHILOSOPHY
      • KEEPING YOUR TEETH
      • RED SKY IN MOURNING
    • PROFILES >
      • DEEPAK CHOPRA
      • DANNY KALB - BLUES AT THYE OUTSET
      • OTIS TAYLOR
      • DORI MAYNARD
      • DR. EDRICH
      • GOOD GRIEF
      • DR. SACHS
      • MICHAEL KAROLCHYK
      • JOHN CONNOR
      • SCOTT OLSEN
      • DANNY KALB
      • THE SHAME GAME
    • TECHNOLOGY >
      • BLADE RUNNER / LOST IN TRANSLATION
      • MICROSOFT SDK GUIDELINES
      • VIDEO PHILOSOPHY
      • VIDEO SPEECH
      • BRIEF HISTORY OF COMMUNICATION
      • ASYMETRIC MEDIA
    • SCRIPTS >
      • CHURCHBURNER
    • POETRY >
      • THE CHANGELING
      • NEW MEANING
      • THE HOUSE OF DEATH
      • THE CHANGELING
      • A BEGINNING
      • A REMINDER
      • NOT YET LOST
      • CLOTHES I'VE WORN
      • EULOGY FOR MY BROTHER
      • FREE WILL
      • BLESSED B THE HERALD
      • THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
      • DISIDERATA 2016
    • MY COMEDY SONGS >
      • 12 BARS
      • NOTHIN'
      • A FINAL DUET
      • MY LIFE IS JUNK
      • DEMON BARBECUE RIG
      • PAT HARRINGTON
      • NEPHROLOGIST BLUES
  • MEDIA
    • FILM PRODUCTION >
      • MAGIC BOAT / PALOOKA TRAILER
      • COPPOLA, PARKER, HIGGINS
    • VIDEO PRODUCTION >
      • SEATTLE STREET PARTY
      • MJH KATE MULGREW INTERVIEW
      • MJH LUCASARTS INTERVIEWS
      • THE ZOMBIE DANCE
      • KAISER PERMANENTE CFWA
      • C|NET PILOT
      • TRANSAMERICA
      • SCARED STRAY
      • OTIS TAYLOR FREEDOM
      • AERO ANGEL
      • ONSTAGE WITH OTIS TAYLOR
      • SOOT BUGS
      • BAD SANTAS
      • ROUND UP RANCH
      • COAL CREEK SALMON
      • MY BACKYARD
    • AUDIO PRODUCTION >
      • DOES READ
      • COMEDY RADIO DROPS
      • AUDIO SORBETS
      • TALK RADIO HOST
      • RADIO ANNOUNCER
      • THE EXCHANGE
      • HIGGINS AND SPOTTSWOOD ORACLE
      • RADIO SPOTS
      • RADIO GUEST
      • KAROLCHYK AIRCHECK
      • ADAM CURRY / JOHN C. DVORAK
      • HIGGINS / SPOTTSWOOD SCREEN TEST
  • PERFORMANCE
    • STAND-UP >
      • FUNNY BUSINESS DOCUMENTARY
      • FUNNY BUSINESS MJH CLIPS
      • SAN FRANCISCO `82 - `92
      • HOLLYWOOD BAR
      • GINSU KNIFE
      • THE LAMPWICKS
      • ME TIGER
    • BLUE MATERIAL >
      • ABOMNIBLE SNOW WOMAN
  • COMEDY IMAGES
    • ELVIN BISHOP
  • BLOG POSTS
    • LIBERAL GUILT >
      • LOSING LIBERAL FRIENDS
      • TITANIC NEWS
      • THE GELDING OF AMERICA - PT I
      • THE GELDING OF AMERICA - PT II
      • THE PC DISEASE
      • HOW TO KEEP YOUR TEETH
      • A HEN IN THE FOX HOUSE
      • ENMITY OF THE STATE
  • LOVES
    • McLAREN 570S
    • FLYING >
      • MJH WARRIOR
    • TILE PROJECTS
    • FAMILY >
      • FAIRYLAND
      • AYLA RECITAL
      • I THANK YOU
      • AYLA TAPPING
      • AYLA ACAPELLA
      • AYLA DANCE SHOW
      • BALLET
      • BRENNA TRELLIS TOUR
      • AYLA VIOLIN CONCERT
      • PIPPY & CATS
      • MOM AND DAD
      • PADDY AND BARBARA
      • PADDY BOXING
      • KITCHEN REMODEL
      • AYLA RECITAL
    • MUSIC >
      • GUITARS / AMPS / EFFECTS
      • CHAPARELS CARDS
      • PAT HARRINGTON
    • RELIGION >
      • UNIVERSAL LIFE
      • LATTER DAY DUDE
      • TRIBE CERTIFICATE
      • SUBGENIUS
  • CONTACT
    • BACKGROUND C.V.
    • RATES / BIO
    • QUICK LINKS TO PROJECTS
    • COPPOLA PARKER HIGGINS
    • VIETNAM `69 - `70
  • TRANSFER
    • FOR MY DAUGHTER
    • FIX YOUR DIET!
  • L.I. HIGGINS FAMILY
  • MY VOICE SYNTHESIZED
  • HOLY CITY ZOO EXPERIMENT

SUGGESTIONS FOR A KINDER, GENTLER I.R.S. 
by Martin Higgins

Picture
  In response to the Internal Revenue Service's hiring over 10,000 new collection agents and purchase of thousands of high-tech shotguns, I propose a counterbalance of niceties to encourage universal compliance. Many aspects of everyday life can be rewarded by relaxing some of the agency's more intrusive stipulations and add a few carrots to the I.R.S.'s ever-present stick.   

  • Write-off for Breast Augmentation or Male Enhancement surgery.
  • Ignore "wet change" taken off bar when drinking domestic beer.
  • Tax Amnesty for victims of heart attack during "P90X" workout.
  • Any woman exhibiting three nipples - Free IRS calendar!
  • Auditors wear Santa hats and say: "With-Ho-Ho-holding Taxes?"
  • Offer nude audits.
  • Issue Form #1069 to prompt quick filing by Sex Workers.
  • Give a "aggravation" deduction for people with Herpes.
  • Allow a deduction to people who accidentally blind a Meter Maid.
  • Allow Capital Gains write-offs for Capital Punishment Credits.
  • Alien abduction victims earnings made during sex probes, tax-free.
  • Round sums off to the next lowest hundred dollar amount.
  • Allow people to deduct losing lottery tickets.
  • $100., one time Methane incentive for all Oktoberfest participants.
  • Send an army of SWAT auditors straight up Trump's ass.
  • Give everyone big, prize certificates like Publisher's Clearinghouse.
  • Surcharge of $10,000. for wearing bloody Bruno Maglia shoes.
  • Send agents back to confiscate Willie Nelson's guitar.
  • Reverse the "R" in I.R.S. so it looks like Toy's "R" Us kidscrawl.
  • Authorize a Flat Tax levied only against under-endowed women.
  • Adopt a mascot, like "Winnie the Pooh" with hand in the Hunny Jar.
  • Have all official announcements be made by a Barbershop Quartet.
  • Rename "Criminal Tax Evasion", a "Tax Whoopsie"
  • Hire a skinny Spokesmodel to smile, point at things and lead applause.
  • Add an extra credit essay question at the end of Form 1040.
  • Send late filers big foam rubber fingers with a note, "Get your finger out of your ass!"
  • Drop tax on cigarettes, but make possession of a lighter or matches a Class "A" felony.
  • Discourage tax prep franchise by referring to it as "H&R Blockheads"
  • Enact a Sugar Tax on all Kenny G albums.
  • Formally apologize to the Capone family.
  • Run ads showing convicts sawing bars with tagline, "File Early!"
  • Re-decorate IRS Hdqrs. like "Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Time Theater".
  • In addition to English and Spanish recorded announcements, add Pig Latin and a wacky Jerry Lewis Chinese dialect. 
  • Sacrifice one of the auditors every Leap year.
  • Refer to Dollars as "Bux".
  • Have Official "Dress Down Day" and head the beach after lunch.
  • Change phrase "Earned Income Credit" to "My Little Bonus Bonanza".
  • Rename all the IRS phone bank personnel with peppy nicknames like, Champ, Lucky, Princess, The Kid or Mr. Personality.
  • Change the toll free number to 1-800-EASY PAY
  • Have Enforcement Personnel take retarded children on a fishing trip.
  • Reduce the Marijuana Tax from $100. an ounce to $100. an ounce.
  • Use hand puppets when confiscating children's property.
  • Let Saturn owners slide on the New Car Tax.
  • Waive all taxes if a person agrees to die before April 15th.
  • Start an IRS Credit Union based on teachings of Heaven's Gate cult.
  • Move the Headquarters to Guyana.
  • Rename April 15th, "The Other April Fools Day"
  • Classify Marla Maples as an independent contractor.
  • Offer a rebate for people who have saved all their Baby Teeth.
  • Put the PLAY back in ForePLAY.
  • Supply shorty golf pencils and scratch paper for cypherin'.
  • Initiate a tax break for people whose homes have "House-a-Tosis".
  • Start Tax Amnesty for Blacks called "The Right-on Write-off".
  • Hire Collection Agents who can twist animal balloons
  • Develop Scratch and Sniff tax forms that smell like a new car.
  • On I.R.S. logo, dot the "I" with a heart.
  • Use pastel colored handcuffs.
  • After an auditor okays a deduction... armpit fart.
  • Install drive-up windows, with stickers for good kids.
  • IRS acronym changed to I'd Rather Smile!
  • Verifiable dependents of bowlers, free shoe rental! 
  • All auditors encouraged to wear Rainbow Afro wigs.
  • During audit, after each declined deduction, use a slide whistle sound effect to ease the tension
  • Start a SUPER SIZE deal for travel expenses deductions.
  • Gag handcuffs that leave big, black, greasy rings around your wrists.
  • Hire Ellen to add a piquant "Lesbian Chic" to Collection Procedures.
  • Re-enact "Revenooers Raid on the Moonshine Still" for Holiday Pageants.
  • Re-name Excise Tax the Exercise Tax and let people deduct calories.
  • Apply "Hazardous Substance Tax" to all frozen pizzas.
  • Have operators answer the phone with a Minnie Pearl voice, "Internal Revenue Service. Hoooowdeee!"


SUGGESTIONS FOR A KINDER, GENTLER I.R.S. 
by Martin Higgins