SUGGESTIONS FOR A KINDER, GENTLER I.R.S. 
by Martin Higgins

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  In response to the Internal Revenue Service's hiring of over 80,000 new collection agents and the purchase of thousands of high-tech shotguns, I propose a counterbalance of niceties to encourage universal compliance. Many aspects of everyday life can be rewarded by relaxing some of the agency's more intrusive stipulations and adding new carrots to the I.R.S.'s ever-present stick.
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  • Write-off for Breast Augmentation or Male Enhancement surgery.
  • Ignore "wet change" taken off the bar when drinking domestic beer.
  • Tax Amnesty for victims of heart attack during "Peloton" workout.
  • Any woman exhibiting three nipples gets $50 - plus free IRS calendar!
  • Auditors wear Santa hats and say: "With-Ho-Ho-holding Taxes?"
  • Offer nude audits.
  • Issue Form #1069 to prompt "quickie" filing by Sex Workers.
  • Give an "aggravation" deduction for people with Herpes.
  • Allow a deduction to people who accidentally blind a Meter Maid.
  • Allow Capital Gains write-offs for Capital Punishment Credits.
  • Alien abduction victims' earnings made during sex probes, tax-free.
  • Round sums off to the next lowest hundred-dollar amount.
  • Allow people to deduct losing lottery tickets.
  • A $100 one-time Methane Incentive for any Oktoberfest participant.
  • Allow Merritt Garland to send an army of SWAT auditors straight up Trump's ass.
  • Give illegals gratis refund checks ala' Publisher's Clearinghouse.
  • Surcharge of $10,000 for anyone owning blood-caked Bruno Maglia shoes.
  • Send agents back to confiscate Willie Nelson's guitar and headband.
  • Reverse the "R" in I.R.S. so it looks like cute Toy's "R" Us kidscrawl.
  • Authorize a Flat Tax levied only against clearly under-endowed women.
  • Adopt a mascot, like "Winnie the Pooh" with its hand in the Hunny Jar.
  • Have all official IRS announcements be made by a Barbershop Quartet.
  • Rename Criminal Tax Evasion", a "Tax Whoopsie"
  • Hire a skinny Spokesmodel to smile, point at things, and lead applause.
  • Add an extra-credit essay question at the end of Form 1040.
  • Send late filers big foam-rubber fingers with a note, "Get your finger out of your ass!"
  • Drop tax on cigarettes, but make possession of a lighter or matches a Class "A" felony.
  • Discourage tax prep franchises by referring to them as "H&R Blockheads"
  • Enact a Sugar Tax on all Kenny G and Taylor Swift CDs.
  • Formally apologize to the Capone family for botched Alcatraz prostate exams.
  • Run ads showing convicts sawing through prison bars with the tagline, "File Early!"
  • Re-decorate IRS headquarters with "Chuck E. Cheese-style"animatronic auditors.
  • In addition to English and Spanish recorded announcements, add Pig Latin, Turkey Irish, and wacky Jerry Lewis-style Chinese messages. 
  • Sacrifice one of the auditors every Leap Year by sending them to Detroit.
  • Refer to Dollars as "Bux".
  • Have an National "Internal Revenue Dress Down Day" and head to the beach after lunch.
  • Change the phrase "Earned Income Credit" to "My Little Bonus Bonanza".
  • Rename all the IRS phone bank personnel with peppy nicknames like, Champ, Lucky, Princess, The Kid, Sadie the Nice Lady, or Mr. Personality.
  • Change the toll-free number to 1-800-EASY PAY
  • Have Armed Enforcement Personnel take retarded children on a fishing trip.
  • Reduce the Marijuana Tax from $100 an ounce to $100 an ounce.
  • Use hand puppets when confiscating children's property.
  • Let Chrysler 300C owners slide on the New Car Tax.
  • Waive all taxes if a person agrees to die before April 15th.
  • Start an IRS Credit Union based on Marshall Applewhite's Heaven's Gate cult.
  • Move the Headquarters to Guyana and lay in a stock of Flavor Aid.
  • Rename April 15th, "The Other April Fools Day"
  • Reognize Stormy Daniels as an independent contractor.
  • Offer a rebate for people who have saved all their Baby Teeth.
  • Put the PLAY back in ForePLAY.
  • Supply shorty golf pencils and scratch paper for "downhome cypherin'."
  • Initiate a tax break for people whose homes have "House-a-Tosis".
  • Start Tax Amnesty for Blacks called "The Right-on Write-off".
  • Hire Collection Agents who can twist animal balloons.
  • Develop Scratch and Sniff tax forms that smell like a new car.
  • On the I.R.S. logo, dot the "I" with a heart.
  • Have Enforcement Personnel use pastel-colored handcuffs.
  • After an auditor okays a deduction...  perform an armpit fart.
  • Install drive-up windows with Sponge Bob stickers for good kids.
  • IRS acronym associated with I Rarely Swindle!
  • Verifiable dependents of candlepin bowlers get free shoe rental! 
  • All auditors encouraged to wear Rainbow Clown wigs and red, putty nose.
  • During audit, when declining deductions, play a sad trombone SFX to ease tension.
  • Start a SUPER SIZE deal for obese taxpayer travel expense deductions.
  • Gag handcuffs that leave comic, black, greasy rings around the arrestee's wrists.
  • Add Lesbian Chic, Gay Humor, and Trans Doubletalk to Forced Collection Procedures.
  • Re-enact "Revenooers Raid on the Moonshine Still" at Holiday Pageants.
  • Re-name Excise Tax the Exercise Tax and let people deduct burnt calories.
  • Apply "Hazardous Substance Tax" to all frozen DeGiorno pizzas.
  • Have operators answer the phone with a Minnie Pearl voice, "Internal Revenue Service. Hoooowdeee!"