SUGGESTIONS FOR A KINDER, GENTLER I.R.S. by Martin Higgins
In response to the Internal Revenue Service's hiring over 10,000 new collection agents and purchase of thousands of high-tech shotguns, I propose a counterbalance of niceties to encourage universal compliance. Many aspects of everyday life can be rewarded by relaxing some of the agency's more intrusive stipulations and add a few carrots to the I.R.S.'s ever-present stick.
Write-off for Breast Augmentation or Male Enhancement surgery.
Ignore "wet change" taken off bar when drinking domestic beer.
Tax Amnesty for victims of heart attack during "P90X" workout.
Any woman exhibiting three nipples - Free IRS calendar!
Auditors wear Santa hats and say: "With-Ho-Ho-holding Taxes?"
Offer nude audits.
Issue Form #1069 to prompt quick filing by Sex Workers.
Give a "aggravation" deduction for people with Herpes.
Allow a deduction to people who accidentally blind a Meter Maid.
Allow Capital Gains write-offs for Capital Punishment Credits.
Alien abduction victims earnings made during sex probes, tax-free.
Round sums off to the next lowest hundred dollar amount.
Allow people to deduct losing lottery tickets.
$100., one time Methane incentive for all Oktoberfest participants.
Send an army of SWAT auditors straight up Trump's ass.
Give everyone big, prize certificates like Publisher's Clearinghouse.
Surcharge of $10,000. for wearing bloody Bruno Maglia shoes.
Send agents back to confiscate Willie Nelson's guitar.
Reverse the "R" in I.R.S. so it looks like Toy's "R" Us kidscrawl.
Authorize a Flat Tax levied only against under-endowed women.
Adopt a mascot, like "Winnie the Pooh" with hand in the Hunny Jar.
Have all official announcements be made by a Barbershop Quartet.
Rename "Criminal Tax Evasion", a "Tax Whoopsie"
Hire a skinny Spokesmodel to smile, point at things and lead applause.
Add an extra credit essay question at the end of Form 1040.
Send late filers big foam rubber fingers with a note, "Get your finger out of your ass!"
Drop tax on cigarettes, but make possession of a lighter or matches a Class "A" felony.
Discourage tax prep franchise by referring to it as "H&R Blockheads"
Enact a Sugar Tax on all Kenny G albums.
Formally apologize to the Capone family.
Run ads showing convicts sawing bars with tagline, "File Early!"
Re-decorate IRS Hdqrs. like "Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Time Theater".
In addition to English and Spanish recorded announcements, add Pig Latin and a wacky Jerry Lewis Chinese dialect.
Sacrifice one of the auditors every Leap year.
Refer to Dollars as "Bux".
Have Official "Dress Down Day" and head the beach after lunch.
Change phrase "Earned Income Credit" to "My Little Bonus Bonanza".
Rename all the IRS phone bank personnel with peppy nicknames like, Champ, Lucky, Princess, The Kid or Mr. Personality.
Change the toll free number to 1-800-EASY PAY
Have Enforcement Personnel take retarded children on a fishing trip.
Reduce the Marijuana Tax from $100. an ounce to $100. an ounce.
Use hand puppets when confiscating children's property.
Let Saturn owners slide on the New Car Tax.
Waive all taxes if a person agrees to die before April 15th.
Start an IRS Credit Union based on teachings of Heaven's Gate cult.
Move the Headquarters to Guyana.
Rename April 15th, "The Other April Fools Day"
Classify Marla Maples as an independent contractor.
Offer a rebate for people who have saved all their Baby Teeth.
Put the PLAY back in ForePLAY.
Supply shorty golf pencils and scratch paper for cypherin'.
Initiate a tax break for people whose homes have "House-a-Tosis".
Start Tax Amnesty for Blacks called "The Right-on Write-off".
Hire Collection Agents who can twist animal balloons
Develop Scratch and Sniff tax forms that smell like a new car.
On I.R.S. logo, dot the "I" with a heart.
Use pastel colored handcuffs.
After an auditor okays a deduction... armpit fart.
Install drive-up windows, with stickers for good kids.
IRS acronym changed to I'd Rather Smile!
Verifiable dependents of bowlers, free shoe rental!
All auditors encouraged to wear Rainbow Afro wigs.
During audit, after each declined deduction, use a slide whistle sound effect to ease the tension
Start a SUPER SIZE deal for travel expenses deductions.
Gag handcuffs that leave big, black, greasy rings around your wrists.
Hire Ellen to add a piquant "Lesbian Chic" to Collection Procedures.
Re-enact "Revenooers Raid on the Moonshine Still" for Holiday Pageants.
Re-name Excise Tax the Exercise Tax and let people deduct calories.
Apply "Hazardous Substance Tax" to all frozen pizzas.
Have operators answer the phone with a Minnie Pearl voice, "Internal Revenue Service. Hoooowdeee!"
SUGGESTIONS FOR A KINDER, GENTLER I.R.S. by Martin Higgins
