SUGGESTIONS FOR A KINDER, GENTLER I.R.S. 
by Martin Higgins

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  In response to the Internal Revenue Service's hiring over 10,000 new collection agents and purchase of thousands of high-tech shotguns, I propose a counterbalance of niceties to encourage universal compliance. Many aspects of everyday life can be rewarded by relaxing some of the agency's more intrusive stipulations and add a few carrots to the I.R.S.'s ever-present stick.   

  • Write-off for Breast Augmentation or Male Enhancement surgery.
  • Ignore "wet change" taken off bar when drinking domestic beer.
  • Tax Amnesty for victims of heart attack during "P90X" workout.
  • Any woman exhibiting three nipples - Free IRS calendar!
  • Auditors wear Santa hats and say: "With-Ho-Ho-holding Taxes?"
  • Offer nude audits.
  • Issue Form #1069 to prompt quick filing by Sex Workers.
  • Give a "aggravation" deduction for people with Herpes.
  • Allow a deduction to people who accidentally blind a Meter Maid.
  • Allow Capital Gains write-offs for Capital Punishment Credits.
  • Alien abduction victims earnings made during sex probes, tax-free.
  • Round sums off to the next lowest hundred dollar amount.
  • Allow people to deduct losing lottery tickets.
  • $100., one time Methane incentive for all Oktoberfest participants.
  • Send an army of SWAT auditors straight up Trump's ass.
  • Give everyone big, prize certificates like Publisher's Clearinghouse.
  • Surcharge of $10,000. for wearing bloody Bruno Maglia shoes.
  • Send agents back to confiscate Willie Nelson's guitar.
  • Reverse the "R" in I.R.S. so it looks like Toy's "R" Us kidscrawl.
  • Authorize a Flat Tax levied only against under-endowed women.
  • Adopt a mascot, like "Winnie the Pooh" with hand in the Hunny Jar.
  • Have all official announcements be made by a Barbershop Quartet.
  • Rename "Criminal Tax Evasion", a "Tax Whoopsie"
  • Hire a skinny Spokesmodel to smile, point at things and lead applause.
  • Add an extra credit essay question at the end of Form 1040.
  • Send late filers big foam rubber fingers with a note, "Get your finger out of your ass!"
  • Drop tax on cigarettes, but make possession of a lighter or matches a Class "A" felony.
  • Discourage tax prep franchise by referring to it as "H&R Blockheads"
  • Enact a Sugar Tax on all Kenny G albums.
  • Formally apologize to the Capone family.
  • Run ads showing convicts sawing bars with tagline, "File Early!"
  • Re-decorate IRS Hdqrs. like "Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Time Theater".
  • In addition to English and Spanish recorded announcements, add Pig Latin and a wacky Jerry Lewis Chinese dialect. 
  • Sacrifice one of the auditors every Leap year.
  • Refer to Dollars as "Bux".
  • Have Official "Dress Down Day" and head the beach after lunch.
  • Change phrase "Earned Income Credit" to "My Little Bonus Bonanza".
  • Rename all the IRS phone bank personnel with peppy nicknames like, Champ, Lucky, Princess, The Kid or Mr. Personality.
  • Change the toll free number to 1-800-EASY PAY
  • Have Enforcement Personnel take retarded children on a fishing trip.
  • Reduce the Marijuana Tax from $100. an ounce to $100. an ounce.
  • Use hand puppets when confiscating children's property.
  • Let Saturn owners slide on the New Car Tax.
  • Waive all taxes if a person agrees to die before April 15th.
  • Start an IRS Credit Union based on teachings of Heaven's Gate cult.
  • Move the Headquarters to Guyana.
  • Rename April 15th, "The Other April Fools Day"
  • Classify Marla Maples as an independent contractor.
  • Offer a rebate for people who have saved all their Baby Teeth.
  • Put the PLAY back in ForePLAY.
  • Supply shorty golf pencils and scratch paper for cypherin'.
  • Initiate a tax break for people whose homes have "House-a-Tosis".
  • Start Tax Amnesty for Blacks called "The Right-on Write-off".
  • Hire Collection Agents who can twist animal balloons
  • Develop Scratch and Sniff tax forms that smell like a new car.
  • On I.R.S. logo, dot the "I" with a heart.
  • Use pastel colored handcuffs.
  • After an auditor okays a deduction... armpit fart.
  • Install drive-up windows, with stickers for good kids.
  • IRS acronym changed to I'd Rather Smile!
  • Verifiable dependents of bowlers, free shoe rental! 
  • All auditors encouraged to wear Rainbow Afro wigs.
  • During audit, after each declined deduction, use a slide whistle sound effect to ease the tension
  • Start a SUPER SIZE deal for travel expenses deductions.
  • Gag handcuffs that leave big, black, greasy rings around your wrists.
  • Hire Ellen to add a piquant "Lesbian Chic" to Collection Procedures.
  • Re-enact "Revenooers Raid on the Moonshine Still" for Holiday Pageants.
  • Re-name Excise Tax the Exercise Tax and let people deduct calories.
  • Apply "Hazardous Substance Tax" to all frozen pizzas.
  • Have operators answer the phone with a Minnie Pearl voice, "Internal Revenue Service. Hoooowdeee!"

SUGGESTIONS FOR A KINDER, GENTLER I.R.S. 
by Martin Higgins