World Reacts to India's Nuclear Tests 
by Martin Higgins

         Pakistan said it is being pushed into a nuclear arms race and is ready to conduct a test explosion, if it can figure out if the red wire is positive or negative and if it can get some radioactive "stuff" from it new buddy, China. 

    Prime Minister of Pakistan, Pervez Ashraf , looking slender and oh so Middle-Easterny after a month long crash diet of human entrails and civet blood, suggested the test be conducted within the month, "sometime between the Feast of Blessed Loving Mothers and the Day of Mandatory Mutilation." Pakistan has no delivery system for its nuclear weapons (i.e. rockets or missiles), so it would be necessary for them to invite unwitting Indians to visit Pakistan, a million or two at a time, offer them the customary friendly drink and kind word, then nuke the crap out of them. An alternate option would be to strap nuclear devices to the backs of jackasses and drive them over the border into India, but that would leave Pakistan without leadership.

      The United States, Canada, New Zealand and Australia withdrew their ambassadors to India and sent out a load of email to the other Super Powers listing every Internet joke they could think of about India. Some of the best were: "How can you tell who the bride is at a small dowry Indian wedding?" "The bridesmaids are toasting marshmallows over her!" " What is the difference between a humble beggar in Calcutta and Mother Theresa?" "$635 million!" "What would Mahatma Ghandi be doing if he were alive today?" "Sleeping with naked thirteen year-old girls and taking Viagra!"

      President Obama promised to impose economic sanctions against India that could mean withholding $155 million in annual U.S. aid. Japan said it was considering suspending $1 billion in annual aid. In addition, France has suspended all shipments of berets and croaker monsieurs. Italy has placed a blanket ban on Pakistani's using the word "Ciao." Greece has agreed to continue to recognize Pakistan's love of goat-milk products, but will refuse to discuss Anthony Quinn or Melina Mercouri with anyone holding a Pakistani passport.

      The Indian stock markets fell sharply, sending Halvah and tinned Cobra Meat futures plummeting. Bengali market analysts maintain that any severe trade sanctions would produce enormous backlash repercussions in the United States as hundreds of Pier One and Cost Plus stores scramble to find a new source for elephant figurines, rickety furniture and brass finger cymbals.

      Obama's aides said the tests raise questions about his scheduled trip to India next fall. Those questions are: where can you get good take-out curry after midnight, do they have any whole-wheat papadum and whether or not the little red "head-dot" means a woman is going steady, available or "in season."

     In Pakistan, the Karachi Stock Market surged over 334 points, with investors anticipating that Pakistan would conduct a retaliatory test and soon find itself back in a booming war-time economy that might offset decades of penniless goat-tending and mis-interpreting the Koran.

      Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Woo Flungdung said the tests hurt peace and stability in the region. He said he "was really sad" and that "a couple billion of Chinese people are feeling queasy and out-of sorts over this." Flungdung went on to say "any further nuclear testing by India would create a "peevish environment where peaceful folk would be awfully miffed for a while." "Shucks," he sighed, "why so rude, Dude?"

       Russian mentalcase, Vladimir V. Putin,  said India ''let us down big time" and won't be invited to the "big party we have every year for our friends who don't let us down." Russia has had close ties with India for decades, and has been one of India's leading arms suppliers. Actually, the phrase "close ties" simply means that India has always paid promptly for the weapons they buy from Russia.

      Itcho Ito,  Asian spokesperson for Gold Bond Medicated Powder and deceased mayor of Nagasaki, where 70,000 people died in the U.S. atom bombing in 1945, flew to Tokyo to lodge a protest at the Indian Embassy. "If you are thinking about going for the Guinness Book record in Pakistan," said the prickly politico, "forget about it. Nagasaki owns the title, 'Official Worst Nuclear Tourist Attraction' and we have the required copyright paperwork and a room full of fat lawyers to put teeth in it!"

      Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, meeting with Pranab Said,  declared Wednesday that "As Indians, we have a proud tradition of Passive Resistance -- and there ain't nothing more passive than a dead Pakistani!"

      Singh said (and Said sang!) that the five underground nuclear tests conducted in the last 48 hours were not meant to generate fear or cause danger to any other party, but were, in fact, a routine landscaping procedure. "Gophers," he cracked, "our country is lousy with them."

       The tests have come as a morale booster for the fragile 18-party coalition government, deflecting attention from the problems that have beset it since the day it took office on March 19. The eighteen party system is a throwback to British rule in India, where the de facto ruler of the country was "anyone with a pith helmet who stank of Gin."

     India denied the tests would lead to an arms race in the region and reiterated it was doing it for its own security. Prime Minister Vajpayee added, "Can't a country have a couple of nukes without everybody screaming bloody murder?"

      In letters to eight world leaders Tuesday, including those of the U.S. and Japan, Singh listed: the background and reasons leading to the current tests, a new long distance plan that rounds down to the next lower minute and three ways to "tighten your turban" with one hand, while driving a Yellow Cab with the other.

      India exploded three nuclear devices Monday, which took the country and the world by surprise. It conducted two more tests Wednesday, earning further widespread condemnation and calls for stringent economic sanctions, but hardly any surprise. Then, Friday, everybody was surprised again, but only because Marv Albert came out of the closet and had breasts implanted on his chest... nine of them. 

     With the latest nuclear tests, India has exploded six nuclear devices, the first being in May 1974 and the other five within the last three days

    "So, really it's only one test that happened over the period of a quarter century." Said Prime Minister Singh, "If you didn't like it, you should have complained twenty-four years ago!"
                                                     - end - 

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