BORED? TRY LIVING IT UP A BIT!
Take a Tasting Tour – At a Knish Factory!
Potato Knish Fanciers – Alert! Whether you like `em plain, with a dollop of poupon, or dunked in your Wheat and Peatmoss Ale, knishes are fast becoming America’s latest snack yummy with oodles of snob appeal. Hundreds of independent micro-knisheries have opened their doors to the public for guided tours, tasting parties, and a glimpse at the rich history of the original fast food. For the collector, gift shops stock a host of accessories and nifty items that celebrate the humble potato in all its carbohydrate glory. Bring Grandma during the Jun 3rd – June 7th “Woodstock, Vietnam, and the Knish” memorial dedication, and don’t forget to pack a hankie.
Paint n’ Ribs – Lookin’ Good! Here’s a simple way to spice up a lazy Saturday afternoon. Slap a couple of coats of WeatherBeater on the house while “Q”ing up a platter of knockout beef short ribs. Light the coals and wire brush loose paint until they go white. Lay on the sauce using a 3” bristle and work in a latex primer coat until smoke gets in your eyes. Turn frequently, spray beer on the flare-ups and double roll a thick finish coat until the fat is crispy and bones protrude. Wipe the drips as you go, serve on a pile of slaw, and clean up with mineral spirits. Don’t be surprised if your wife wants to do it again next week! Kids have Fun making – Garbage Art If yours are like mine, chances are you’re “up to here” with bags of household garbage every dump day. Well, who says art can’t be trash? Coffee grounds, tin cans, eggshells, chicken bones and orange rinds are exciting new materials when you are making Garbage Art. Festive, fragrant household treasures like soda can robots, cast-off shoe plant pots, a trellis made of old crutches and broken toilet seat picture frames prove that the best art costs nothing. Imagine the fun of watching what you create change as it ages. Art critics may turn up their noses at Garbage Art, but at least you’ll know why. Big Fun with Dogs – Adopt a Pack of Strays! “Man’s Best Friend” seems like a Lonesome Lassie napping at the doggie door compared to the wild fun in store for pet lovers who opt for “Man’s Best Friends”. Six or eight feral dogs, used to scrounging for scraps, can fill a house with non-stop canine hijinx and valuable lessons in non-corporate Alpha Male pack interaction. And, finding half a dozen newspapers piled at your front door every morning is a thrill most people never tire of. Unwanted guests who don’t know when to leave? A problem for one-dog families, but owning a pack of mongrels means you’ll be in bed by midnight every night. If you don’t mind the barking... Beat Workplace Stress – Learn Tantric Yelling Stress on the job causes two problems: lowered productivity, and a throbbing knot of muscles in your neck that cuts off the circulation to your “reptile brain”. If you miss deadlines and lose out on promotions you probably have the first, the second is harder to diagnose, because the first sign is usually death. To keep up your body’s natural defense against “Sudden Stress Death Syndrome” learn the ancient Eastern Art of Tantric Yelling. Breathe deeply, compose a mental picture of what you would like to do to your boss or manager and yell it out at the top of your lungs. Relief will come immediately, along with an e-mail to stop. Optimize Your Time – With a Laptop Desk How often have you sat in a washroom staring at the floor or reading a scrap of the Sports Section, wishing you could cram ten hours into eight? Now you can with a “found object” laptop desk. Take a tray from the cafeteria, fill your pockets with paper clips, grab a handful of documents and your cell phone, and have a seat. Call-forward your desk phone to the cell phone, place the tray on your knees and get to work. Your voice sounds deeper and richer when reverberating off the tiled walls, and no one will stop by to interrupt you! Just be careful to pocket the phone when your legs fall asleep! Influence Co-Workers – Dress for Excess! There’s nothing that speaks of success like the right clothing, accessories, and jewelry. But spending a lot of money for fancy designer labels is as silly as changing your socks every day when you have your own office. Here’s the secret: buy damaged designer clothing for a fraction of its regular price, and don’t wear it! Owning the clothing is what impresses people, so have that cut-rate Versace suit with the torn pants and mismatched lapels dry-cleaned, then hang it on the back of your office door. A worn-out Rolex makes a great paperweight and a pair of water damaged Bally loafers look great stuck under a desk. And they never need shining! Only in California – The Bungie Couch! Someone once said, “When they tipped the United States on its side, all the loose nuts wound up in California!” No one knows who that person was, or what ever happened to him, but if he were here now, he’d probably be right. Because the latest fad for the Cali thrill seeker is the Bungie Couch. Families, Fraternities, AA Groups and Longtime Companions are lining up as a Bungie Jumping enthusiasts tie Grandma’s Colonial Sofa, or Mom’s Danish Sectional to long rubber cords, hang on to tubs of microwave popcorn, and plummet hundreds of feet together. Now if they could just keep their feet off the upholstery... Treat your Family – To a Mock Housefire! Educate your family about home emergency preparedness using a technique perfected by the U. S. Department of Education. Ensure better lesson retention by combining valuable information with sheer mortal terror. Here are the three foolproof steps to “single lesson emergency learning”. First, wait until the family is asleep (2 or 3 a.m. works fine at my house), light a cedar or sage smudge stick and fill the hallways with dense smoke. Next, pound on the bedroom doors and scream “Fire”. As your panicked family runs into the hall, remind them to crawl below the smoke, forget about their pets and find the nearest exit. Your kids will tell their grandchildren about this important lesson. (c) 2017 MJH all rights reserved |
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Kerry Lies |
MARTINHIGGINS.COM martinhiggins.com is a leisure activity of Halliburton. There, are you happy now? Go tell all your swampgas, moonbat conspiracy acquaintwnces that you know the real story behind the site. Hell, stage a rally. Carry signs and do that moronic "Hey-hey, Ho-ho, martinhiggns.com has got to go!" horsecrap.
Forty goddamned years of stanky, rag-assed numbskulls protesting in the streets and you'd think those shmucks could think up a couple new chants? I will read your emails, correct your spelling, comment on your inept use of grammar and that damned predilection to used tired clichés. (e.g., "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little!") Maybe... MAYBE I'll post your 2 cents worth. (probably an over estimation of worth at this point.) if it's funny, makes a brilliant point or is so laughably illiterate we can't help turning it into a piece of postable mockery. If you enter one of my contests and win a prize, you'll receive it with a week or two unless you start pestering me, then you'll be shit out-of-luck. This isn't FedEx, Friend. If you are an Inflato-American and you want to rag my ass about your YOUR fat ass and how it's your right/pride/genetic disorder/only fault/post-partum tummy/thyroid acting up - save it for someone who cares - call Rosie O' or Oprah. They're both in the phone book between Obese Auto Detailing and Overweight Porta-San Service. martinhiggins.com is an Equal Opportunity employer. We have as many women as men working here and will definitely hire some Samoans and Fan Dancers as soon as our lawyer says we have to. |
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