THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
Martin Higgins
'Twas the day after Christmas and back at my shop,
I unhitched the reindeer -- I was ready to drop!
'Cause twelve thousand trips in a broken-down sleigh
Is a lot of deliveries to make in one day.
Nine hundred million, six thousand-odd tikes
Were playIng with Barbies and bombers and bikes.
I'd eaten six million cookies, had a full bowl of pasta
And a spliff -- a sMall gift -- from the son of a Rasta.
But that was behind me, I was done for the year,
So I opened a brewski and rested my rear.
My wife, the dear woman, had heated the tub
For a soak and a joke and a long Polar rub.
As we tiptoed out to our bubbling spa
We were stopped in our tracks by tiny "Hurrah!"
Mrs. Claus dropped the vino and turned with a jerk,
"It's only the Elves," I said, "finished with work-"
We smiled at each other, then heard one exclaim,
"Elves of the world, rise and throw off your chains!"
Now the temperature outside must have been minus nine
But those words sent a chill that went right up my spine-
Through a frosty shop window we could see them all rally
As they listened to a speech by an Elf named 0'Malley"
"If that running dog lackey of the bourgeoisie
Holds the reins that bind us, we'll never be free!"
Another great cheer went up from the Elves
That rattled the floorboards and shook all the shelves.
I looked to my wife, who was just turning blue,
"Let's hop in the tub while they outline their coup."
We stepped in the hot bubbling water with a jolt
As the Elves raised their voices in a song of revolt.
They must have been drinking, 'cause they slurred every word,
And they were led by O'Malley, that Communist Turd.
"We are Elves and Gnomes and Leprechaun,
Not the enslaved workforce of some Capitalist pawn!
"And rise we shall, though not very high,
'Til we face our oppressor eye to thigh!
"We'll unleash the mighty force of Elvish Revolution
As we seek to create a new state, Lilliputian!
"Throw off the yoke, out from under the boot!
Down with the Fat Guy in the Red Flannel Suit!"
Now, I'm normally mellow, a right jolly old soul,
But there's nothing more hateful than an ungrateful troll!
"Now, Claus," said my wife, but she knew I was hurt,
"It's O'Malley'' I growled. "That impudent squirt."
The Mrs.' eyes widened - I leaped out of the water,
Stark naked I walked, with my mind screaming, "Slaughter!"
As I burst through the doorway -- huge, bright red and steaming,
The Elves rubbed their eyes and prayed they were dreaming.
"O'Malley!" I roared as he started to plea,
"Bejaysus," he wept, "Please don't sit on me!"
I snagged the short Commie like a bear grabs a fish,
Held him up by his ankles and yelled, "Make a wish!"
"Go ahead," cried O'Malley, "And you'll languish in hell,
'Cause I'll file a complaint with Elf Personnel."
I thought to myself, "Now Claus, hold your horses,
The last fight I need is with Human Resources."
So I put down O'Malley, who danced a spry jig,
"You're not the Big Boss," he said, "You're just plain BIG!
"lt's a new day," he laughed "where workers will rule!
Not you, Mister Kringle and your Capitalist tool."
It was then that t realized I was bare as a bird,
And the rest of the Elves hadn't said the first word.
I looked at their faces, the shock and despair,
I'm sure they imagined an enraged Polar Bear.
So I thought, "What the hell? Let me go with the flow."
As I picked up O'Malley and gave him a throw.
I'll assure you there's nothing that causes a scare,
Like the sight of a Gnome as he flies through the air.
He crashed into piles of unfinished toys,
With a flailing of arms and a deafening noise.
My nostrils were flared and my muscles were flexed,
So I bellowed like thunder, "All right now, who's next?"
Well, it must have been something in the way that I stood,
That let the Elves know I was up to no good.
And one by one, they all sobered and knew,
There was nothing on Earth they could possibly do.
For a moment I glowered -- they were under my thumb,
But I softened when I noticed how sad they'd become.
O'Malley got up with the help of a friend,,
"That's a rough way to start, but it won't be the end."
"Wait a minute," I said, with a wave of my hand,
"Let me hear your complaints, let me know where I stand."
So we talked for an hour and they all set me wise:
When there's work to be done, I really count on these guys!
Then we shook hands all 'round and agreed to a change,
And they trusted I'd do whatever I could arrange.
Then back to the hot tub, under Arctic starshine,
Where my wife was just dozing, having drunk most the wine.
As I slipped in beside her and took the last swig,
She woke up and said, "What'd you do, Mr. Big?"
'Cause every year it's the same ugly scene,
And O'Malley gets tossed and I come off mean.
"Next year it'll be different,
No problems, you'll see."
"Why is that?" asked the wife.
"I made O'Malley V.P."
###
Copyright © 1998
Martin Higgins
all rights reserved
I unhitched the reindeer -- I was ready to drop!
'Cause twelve thousand trips in a broken-down sleigh
Is a lot of deliveries to make in one day.
Nine hundred million, six thousand-odd tikes
Were playIng with Barbies and bombers and bikes.
I'd eaten six million cookies, had a full bowl of pasta
And a spliff -- a sMall gift -- from the son of a Rasta.
But that was behind me, I was done for the year,
So I opened a brewski and rested my rear.
My wife, the dear woman, had heated the tub
For a soak and a joke and a long Polar rub.
As we tiptoed out to our bubbling spa
We were stopped in our tracks by tiny "Hurrah!"
Mrs. Claus dropped the vino and turned with a jerk,
"It's only the Elves," I said, "finished with work-"
We smiled at each other, then heard one exclaim,
"Elves of the world, rise and throw off your chains!"
Now the temperature outside must have been minus nine
But those words sent a chill that went right up my spine-
Through a frosty shop window we could see them all rally
As they listened to a speech by an Elf named 0'Malley"
"If that running dog lackey of the bourgeoisie
Holds the reins that bind us, we'll never be free!"
Another great cheer went up from the Elves
That rattled the floorboards and shook all the shelves.
I looked to my wife, who was just turning blue,
"Let's hop in the tub while they outline their coup."
We stepped in the hot bubbling water with a jolt
As the Elves raised their voices in a song of revolt.
They must have been drinking, 'cause they slurred every word,
And they were led by O'Malley, that Communist Turd.
"We are Elves and Gnomes and Leprechaun,
Not the enslaved workforce of some Capitalist pawn!
"And rise we shall, though not very high,
'Til we face our oppressor eye to thigh!
"We'll unleash the mighty force of Elvish Revolution
As we seek to create a new state, Lilliputian!
"Throw off the yoke, out from under the boot!
Down with the Fat Guy in the Red Flannel Suit!"
Now, I'm normally mellow, a right jolly old soul,
But there's nothing more hateful than an ungrateful troll!
"Now, Claus," said my wife, but she knew I was hurt,
"It's O'Malley'' I growled. "That impudent squirt."
The Mrs.' eyes widened - I leaped out of the water,
Stark naked I walked, with my mind screaming, "Slaughter!"
As I burst through the doorway -- huge, bright red and steaming,
The Elves rubbed their eyes and prayed they were dreaming.
"O'Malley!" I roared as he started to plea,
"Bejaysus," he wept, "Please don't sit on me!"
I snagged the short Commie like a bear grabs a fish,
Held him up by his ankles and yelled, "Make a wish!"
"Go ahead," cried O'Malley, "And you'll languish in hell,
'Cause I'll file a complaint with Elf Personnel."
I thought to myself, "Now Claus, hold your horses,
The last fight I need is with Human Resources."
So I put down O'Malley, who danced a spry jig,
"You're not the Big Boss," he said, "You're just plain BIG!
"lt's a new day," he laughed "where workers will rule!
Not you, Mister Kringle and your Capitalist tool."
It was then that t realized I was bare as a bird,
And the rest of the Elves hadn't said the first word.
I looked at their faces, the shock and despair,
I'm sure they imagined an enraged Polar Bear.
So I thought, "What the hell? Let me go with the flow."
As I picked up O'Malley and gave him a throw.
I'll assure you there's nothing that causes a scare,
Like the sight of a Gnome as he flies through the air.
He crashed into piles of unfinished toys,
With a flailing of arms and a deafening noise.
My nostrils were flared and my muscles were flexed,
So I bellowed like thunder, "All right now, who's next?"
Well, it must have been something in the way that I stood,
That let the Elves know I was up to no good.
And one by one, they all sobered and knew,
There was nothing on Earth they could possibly do.
For a moment I glowered -- they were under my thumb,
But I softened when I noticed how sad they'd become.
O'Malley got up with the help of a friend,,
"That's a rough way to start, but it won't be the end."
"Wait a minute," I said, with a wave of my hand,
"Let me hear your complaints, let me know where I stand."
So we talked for an hour and they all set me wise:
When there's work to be done, I really count on these guys!
Then we shook hands all 'round and agreed to a change,
And they trusted I'd do whatever I could arrange.
Then back to the hot tub, under Arctic starshine,
Where my wife was just dozing, having drunk most the wine.
As I slipped in beside her and took the last swig,
She woke up and said, "What'd you do, Mr. Big?"
'Cause every year it's the same ugly scene,
And O'Malley gets tossed and I come off mean.
"Next year it'll be different,
No problems, you'll see."
"Why is that?" asked the wife.
"I made O'Malley V.P."
###
Copyright © 1998
Martin Higgins
all rights reserved