Odes by Percy Dovetonsils 

aka Ernie Kovacs

I'm So Sick Of Dieting

I'm so sick of dieting

I really feel bombastic.

There's candy without sugar,

Rolls without butter,

and lard that's made of plastic.

 It's the lowering of calories I've really grown to hate

they're so low now they're shoved in under the plate.

Oh Suzette's were made for crepe-ing

and ice cream is to be caked.

Hawaii is great for vacation,

but Alaska was made to be baked.

Autumn

Oh Adam and Eve wore fig leaves,

In the earliest of earth's known years

They wore them through Spring and through Summer,

Labeling them his and hers.

They caught dreadful colds though, soon after,

At least historians so recall.

The fig leaves were swell in the summer,

But what happened to those leaves in the fall ?  

Mona Lisa

Mona Lisa you always smile

Like Heather up on the heath.

How come you never laugh out loud,

Could be you have bad teeth?  

The Moon

The moon is full of craters

It has some mountains too,

But because there are no people,

No one goes to the Zoo.  

Beautiful Dreamer

 Beautiful dreamer

your fun never stops

but put out the butt now

because here comes the cops.  

Cowboy

O cowboy so lean,

O cowboy so tall,

You sit there straight as an arrow.

But side-saddle you ride,

Instead of astride.

Are you perhaps a gay ranchero?  

O, Some Times I Wish I Were a Dog

 O' some times I wish I were a dog,

A Boxer or Cocker Spaniel

Or perhaps a German Spitz,

Or maybe a Chihuahua named Manuel.

I met a girl named Doberman

An without a doubt it's a cinch, her

Figures the greatest I've ever seen

Now I wish I were a Doberman Pincher.

Ode from a Germ's Eye Viewpoint

 As a germ I'm smaller than the flea.

For I can see you,

But you can't see me.

My mother is in pictures,

You've seen her on the screen.

She gave chicken pox to Alan Ladd

And mumps to Bobby Breen.

But my sister is at Vassar,

At sports she's really a dream.

Last week they made her captain

Of the Streptococci-team.  

Ode to a Bookworm

Oh hail to thee thou streamlined fellow,

You go through my books like

A fork goes through Jell-O.

When I open a book and

Look back at the binding,

Little crumbs from your lunch

Always I'm finding.  

I saw you first, so trim and so spruce,

As you gummed a few pages

Out of my mother goose.

You browsed though my shelves,

In your eye was a twinkle,

As you ate the first chapter of old Rip Van Winkle.

The next time I saw you I was so miffed.

You ate off the ending of inventor Tom Swift

You made little bites so round and so tidy,

All over the back of my copy of Heidi.

And then you reached manhood, I recall with some pain

When you first bit your way into Mickey Spillane.

You ate chapter 1 and then began rushing,

On chapter 13 I noticed you blushing.

As the years pass on by you continue to munch,

You were big enough then to eat Ivanhoe for lunch.

Then you ate Lawrence of Arabia, I heard your loud sigh,

As you lay gasping for water - the book was so dry.

Today is your birthday, may you live good and long,

So the night will be filled with your nibbling song.

Now you can eat my presents from the back to the front

For today I've enrolled you in the "Book of the Month."  

Leslie the Mean Animal Trainer

Leslie worked in a circus

he worked in a great big cage.

He smacked the lions

and beat the bears

and put them all in a rage.

He kicked the lions with iron sneakers

and rolled up army cots.

He put cleaning fluid on all the leopards

and sneered when they lost their spots.

But a chimpanzee got even with him...

Leslie got killed by some smells,

when he stuck his head the lion's mouth

He had liver smeared on his lapels.