2012's Most Dangerous Toys
by Martin Higgins

"Felch Me" Elmo Doll

According to the instructions, "Remember to get permission from your Mom or Dad before exchanging body fluids with any Muppet." Great fun for stubborn kids who resist ordinary potty training.

Mr. Wall Outlet Head

What can we say? Copper nose, metal mustache and steel wool hair that produce what the box says, "A brilliant shower of happy sparks." A must see!

 Leggo's "Tiny Parts" Luncheonette

Miniature sandwiches, small glasses of Coke and hairpin-sized utensils make this a great "gag" present for bratty neighborhood kids. Heimlich chart extra.

Barbie's "Just Like Me" Bodacious Bulimia Brunch

All you can eat, as many times as you like, with this sure-fire favorite among low self-esteem girls and their moms. Includes "Two Finger Dessert and Laxative Pan Dowdy."

Spiderman's Charcoal Lighter Fluid Webspinner

"Shoots a flaming web over twenty feet!" claims the enclosed booklet, but every time we attempted a test, it exploded in our hand. Waaaay cool!

Ms. Louise - British Nanny Doll

This cry-baby needs to be shaken - shaken - shaken for sixty seconds before lapsing into a coma. Comes with book deal and one-hour interview with Geraldo.

Our Son's Road Flare Factory

In a capricious trick of translation, this Taiwanese fire toy is actually named "Arsons" Road Flare Factory. Current Insurance Investigation Guidelines are part of this popular present.

PocketGlock Semi-automatic Spy Camera

A remarkable simulation of a Glock 22 pistol that can take crystal-clear snapshots of panicked DEA agents.

My First Gas-Powered Chainsaw

Husqvarna's 2.4 cu. in., 2.5 hp humdinger with 13,000 maximum no-load RPMs and a 16" OSHA approved "kiddie" bar. Where's that cat?

Notre Dame Broken Bottle Stained Glass Set

Imagine the look on Mom's face when you show her "St. Sebastian's Agony" made of Heineken, Grolsch, St. Pauli Girl and Mickey's WideMouth bottles! Oven-safe "Real-Lead" Beading creates only a smidgen of toxic gas.

Big Mouth Marble Challenge

"How many marbles can you fit in your mouth?" is the question that Big Mouth Marble Challenge asks. If you want to win, you won't be able to answer!

Ben Franklin Copper Kite Kit

Forget "Pennies saved and pennies earned", find out what made Old Ben such an electrifying American hero. Requires oven mitts and Bactine.

Estes Model Scud Rocket

Any kid will tell you that a launch pad explosion is LOTS MORE FUN than a successful flight. "Model Scud" delivers fun in spades!

Little Homemaker Deep Fat Fryer

An exact replica of Mom's own Deep Fat Fryer, except designed with three legs instead of four, to teach valuable balancing skills.

Tupac Shakur's Lucky Rabbit's Foot

Guaranteed to ward off all bullets except 9mm.

Hi-Risk - The Ebola Epidemic Game

Little plastic monkeys and a big bucket of "Bola Goo" spell trouble for kids of all ages who want to avoid hemorragic fever.

Little Vet Animal Spay Clinic

Fluffy and Scamp will never be the same as your child learns the basics of reproduction with "hands-on" Clinic experience.

Screamin' Eagles Roof Parachute

A traditional favorite among Ritalin kids. A bedsheet, some twine and two pre-cast plaster leg casts. Imparts strong lessons about tolerance of the severly handicapped.

Spelunker Storm Drain Explorer Outfit

"Every pipe is a heart-stopping adventure" with this Jules Verne inspired equipment. Flashlight, canteen and pack of beef jerky included.

Tree Top Inner-Tube Bungee Maker

Flat tire? Change sports! Bungee jumpers live to tell of incredible sensations and adrenaline highs beyond comprehension! Or, they don't.

Norm Abrams Cold Cut Bandsaw

Imagine slicing tons of Braunsweiger and Mortadella for your family with a fully functioning Hobart Bandsaw. Don't count your fingers until the blade stops!

The Curt Cobain Couch Potato Shooter

What do you call a guy with eyes in the back of his head? Spuds Cobain! Load up, think about Courtney's I.Q. and POW! You're a legend!

Boy George's Dress Up Dating Game

Hey guys, fool `em all and be the Homecoming Queen all year round. Who says you can't go into the Girl's Locker Room? ACLU hotline number and Pre-Teen Gender Reassignment orientation material enclosed.

The Alka-Seltzer Soda Fountain

Who can burp the whole alphabet? Step up to the Alka Seltzer Soda Fountain and find out. Tracheal tube and resuscitator "cheats" included.

The Joe Camel "Cool Jazz" Syringe Set

Nobody plays jazz like the "Bird". Nobody, but fierce Mexican "brown scag" junkies, right? Here's a chance to "fly like Bird!"

Lil' Scientologist E-gram Recorder

Are your friends really Thetans? Can you undo the twisted encoding that Earthlings forced on you as a child? Get CLEAR and have a great time doing it with the sub-human members of your Terran family.

The Louis Farrakhan Jew Compass

Who's a Jew? This ingenious device points only toward "tribesmen" classmates. This makes for easy identification and intimidation. Batteries not included.

Big Huggy the Halogen Nightlight Bear

1500 degrees Fahrenheit should be enough to warm any baby. Remember to baste every twenty minutes and place a sprig of parsley behind the little one's ear.

Official NASA Abandoned Refrigerator SpaceLab

"Houston, this is Maytag. Permission to enter hibernation phase of mission!" Your kid will be gasping for breath when they enter this realistic mock up of an authentic Soyuz SpaceLab. Oxygen generator fire, optional.

The "Dodge `Em!" Highway Scavenger Hunt

Hubcaps, tire treads, lone shoes... who has the most? Step out onto I-5 and take your chances as you try to avoid potholes, dodge gypsy cabs and hop over road-kill in this exciting real-time multi-player sensation.


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